Mackenzie's Story. Kris is having a hard time staying focused and doing as she's supposed to in school. By chance, she meets a fellow spanko, Heath, and turns to him as a mentor. After working together for a bit, he's unimpressed when he finds out that she's still not following the rules they have set for her. Find more of Mackenzie's stories on her blog: Mackenzie's Incredible Story World
Showing posts with label Mackenzie. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Mackenzie. Show all posts
13 January 2015
09 January 2015
by Mackenzie -- Pittsburgh Adventure
Mackenzie's Story. It's winter break, and Leah and Nora are looking for something exciting to do before they have to go back to school. One of their favorite bands is coming to play in Pittsburgh, the closest they've ever come, and they don't know when they'll get to see them again. Guess it's time for an adventure. See more by Mackenzie at Mackenzie's Incredible Story World
05 January 2015
by Mackenzie -- First Party
16 May 2014
by Mackenzie -- The Brightest Beacon
Mackenzie's Story. Raised in a conservative Christian family, Leah's older brother, Shane, gets kicked out of the house when he comes out to his parents. 9 years later, Leah finds herself in a similar situation, and struggles to cope. Will Shane be able to pull her back from the edge?
02 January 2012
20 April 2011
Mackenzie's Incredible Story World
For those of you who love the Katelyn and Jessica series, I have a huge treat for you :) My friend, Mackenzie, the co-author who writes from Katelyn's point of view most of the time, has started her own blog. Check it out and let her know what you think! She's kind of new at this, but anxious for feedback, so check her out and leave a nice comment or two... http://mackenzieincrediblestoryworld.blogspot.com/
09 April 2011
Story: It's Okay To Be Imperfect
Part of the Jessica/Katelyn series. Katelyn and Daniel have a heart to heart.
It's Okay To Be Imperfect
by Mackenzie
I step forward one way and step back another. I put myself together, only to fall apart again. I’m constantly trying to succeed but only find I’m falling behind. They say I’m doing great but inside, I feel myself breaking into millions of tiny pieces. If I’m so perfect, why do I always mess up? If I’m so smart, why do I feel like the biggest idiot ever? I lost myself so long ago, before they left this world. Now I’m stuck here, in this house, spending my time worrying about homework and school instead of worrying about me. I hate myself for who I am. Will I ever be good enough?
I never felt good enough. I never felt smart enough. I was supposed to be the perfect child, the one that my parents had always dreamed of. I wasn’t Jessica, the future “delinquent” and I wasn’t Robert, the gay one. I was Katelyn, the smart, studious, pretty and talented one. But I never felt smart. I never felt studious. I never felt pretty. I never felt talented. I have spent my life trying to live up to my ideals, trying to become the person I want to be, but I find myself always falling short, never being what I want to be. I hate myself for who I am. I hate myself for being me. Why can’t I just be Jessica? I’d rather be perfectly imperfect than have to live up to the expectations I and others have set for me. Besides, I’m starting to think Robert would rather just have Jessica around than me. She doesn’t get in trouble nearly as much as I do. She doesn’t disappoint Robert in the ways I do. I’m a screw-up, a complete and total screw-up. And I’ll never make it to where I want to be.
Sometimes I think Robert and Daniel expect way too much of me. Aren’t I just allowed to break down sometimes? When I’m cutting or burning, I can be imperfect. I can have my faults. I can be human. I’m allowed to have flaws. But when I’m not, it’s like the burdens of being perfect are on me again. I’m so sick of having to be this way. I want to break down. I want Robert and Daniel to understand that I can’t always be perfect. But then I think, I’ve started to expect the same of myself. So do I really have anything to complain about?
What is wrong with me? Why can’t I just live like a normal human being? For someone as “perfect” as me, I definitely have some issues. I’m not as smart as they say. I’m not all that studious. I’m a hideous, stupid human being with absolutely no talent. I am the bane of my brother and sister’s existence. They’d be better off without me, wouldn’t they? I’d be better off without me too.
But despite my efforts to keep this away from Robert and Daniel and especially Jessica, they’d somehow found out. Oh yeah, it probably had something to do with the fact that I cut myself until I fainted and Robert found me. Yeah, that might have something to do with it. So they were going to ACTUALLY start taking me to therapy. You wanna know how much that sucks? It sucks a lot. A LOT. There is no other idea I hate more than the idea of going to therapy, where someone is going to analyze me and my problems. Then everyone will find out I’m not as perfect as they think. But isn’t that what I wanted? I don’t know what I want anymore.
All I know is that my life was getting anything but easier or better. It was getting harder… and worse.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
“Katelyn, honey, wake up,” I heard a gentle voice whisper as someone softly shook me awake.
I opened my eyes slowly, expecting to see Robert but seeing Daniel instead, with a sad smile on his face.
“What time is it?” I asked, sitting up and rubbing my eyes. It was bright outside and light was streaming in through my windows but that didn’t tell me anything. Jessica was still asleep, but that didn’t tell me anything either, especially since her sleep pattern isn’t very predictable.
“It’s about 9:15.”
“Why’d you wake me up?”
“I wanted to talk to you.”
Was this ever a good sign? No.
“Where’s Robert?” Obviously, that’s definitely a reaction he should have expected. I liked Daniel, but I wasn’t very close to him. Jessica and he were close and Robert and I were close, not the other way around.
“He had some last minute calls. A couple of his patients are really sick so he went in to the office for a few appointments. I know it’s a Saturday, but it was important.”
“Ah,” I replied, “I see.”
“Come on, get dressed and we’ll go get some breakfast, ok?” he said, patting my leg.
“What about Jessica?”
“Just you and me, kiddo. She’ll sleep ‘til noon anyway. She stayed up super late last night. I had to force her to go to bed.” He laughed.
I laughed uneasily along with him. I got the feeling Daniel wanted to talk to me about something I wasn’t too keen on talking about. So I asked him, “Why are we going to breakfast?”
“I just wanted to do something with you today is all,” he answered. That was probably the truth, but probably not the whole truth.
“Okay,” I whispered, not really feeling like doing this but going along with it anyway.
“Come on, get dressed. I’ll meet you downstairs in a few and then we’ll head out, okay?”
“Alright.”
“Love you, kiddo,” he said, kissing my forehead.
“Love you too,” I whispered back as he walked out of the room. This was way too weird for my liking.
I slowly got out of bed and walked towards my dresser and pulled out some clothes for the day, pants and a t-shirt, even though it was summer, because my scars on my legs were still too fresh and too many. My arms weren’t as bad. Besides, I wore sweatbands to cover up the scars on my wrist, which was the worst anyway. I still can’t believe I was careless enough to do that when Robert was watching. Then again, I was very emotional at the time. But then, I’m emotional pretty much all the time.
After I had thrown on my clothes and grabbed a jacket because it was bound to be cold in the restaurant, I headed downstairs and met with Daniel, who was standing in the entryway, waiting for me. I never did stuff with Daniel and if it was under a different circumstance than the one I’m pretty sure this was under, I probably would have felt great about it, but I didn’t. I got the feeling he knew what was up. And while in some ways, it felt great that he cared about me, in other ways it sucked, because I didn’t want anyone to really understand and still, in others, I wished they would just get the fact that I was really sick of this whole “being perfect” thing. I was so tired of always having to be the best.
“You ready, Kate?” he asked.
“Yeah, I’m ready.”
“Okay,” he said. “Let’s go.”
We walked out into the morning. God only knew what this day would bring.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
“Where do you want to get breakfast?” he asked as we pulled out of the driveway.
“I don’t care,” I answered. “Whatever is fine.”
“What about Denny’s? You like Denny’s don’t you?”
“Yeah, that’s fine,” I whispered, staring out the window.
“Okay,” he answered. “Then that’s where we’ll go.”
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
I’m so sick of fighting just to live one more day. I’m so tired of living only to see the rain. This life wasn’t what I expected it to be. I lost it all only for everyone to expect way more than I was able to give. Why won’t the rain just stop? Why can’t I turn back time? Why’d they have to go? I thought I had it under control. I thought everything was going to be alright. But I miss them more than I’ll ever let anyone know. Inside, I’m hurting more than I’ll ever show. This life is turning upside down on me. The days are getting shorter it seems, as the nights get longer. Will the rain ever stop?
Robert didn’t know how much mom and dad’s deaths really affected me. Neither did Jessica. She probably thought that it didn’t affect me at all. I didn’t let it show, but losing them was like dying myself. Losing them was like losing a part of me. Mom and dad did expect a lot of me but they never expected as much out of me as I feel like everyone here expects of me.
When mom and dad died, I grew apart from Jessica and growing apart from Jessica killed me inside. We were twins. We were supposed to be close. We were supposed to have a bond unlike other siblings. Instead of being there for each other when our parents died, we turned away from each other. I didn’t just lose my parents that day. I lost my best friend as well.
And now Jessica hates me. And knowing that destroys me. I know Robert loves me but he isn’t Jessica. He isn’t my twin. She resents me more than she resents anyone else. I’ve become her enemy instead of her best friend. I’m not her sister anymore. I’m competition instead. Maybe she still loves me. Even though I keep telling myself she probably doesn’t, I know she probably does. Still, I find myself hating who I’ve become, who I am and all that I ever was. If I was just a different person, if I was anyone but me, maybe this wouldn’t have happened. Maybe mom and dad would still be alive. Maybe Jessica would still love me. Maybe Robert wouldn’t expect so much of me. Maybe I could just breathe for once.
Do I even deserve to breathe though?
It’s a vicious cycle. But I don’t care. I don’t deserve to have high self-esteem. I don’t deserve anything but the worst life possible. I wish I could take mom and dad’s place. Jessica needs them back. She can do without me.
I’m falling even as I try to fly. I’m drowning even as I try to swim. I’m dying even as I try to live.
Everything is falling to pieces and no matter what I do to stop it, I can’t.
I’m dying… even as I try to live…
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
We sat down at our table as the waitress asked us what we wanted to drink and said she’d be back a few minutes later to take our order.
I sat there, staring blankly at the menu. I knew what I’d get and I knew I’d only eat enough to satisfy Daniel and that after that I would stop. Pancakes were simple enough and filling enough that I could convince Daniel I didn’t need more. Yeah, that’s what I would get. As you can see, I haven’t learned from any of those times. Robert and Daniel’s attempts to get me to see the light haven’t worked. Obviously, no one can save me, so why are they even trying?
The waitress came back and took our orders and then left, saying she’d be back later with our food. I remained quiet, hoping not to go onto the topic of therapy and my issues that I knew Daniel would bring up.
“So how are you doing today, Katelyn?” Oh God, there he goes. It’s starting.
“I’m fine,” I whispered, stirring my spoon in my orange juice. Not that I needed to; it was just something to do with my hands.
“Robert and I are just really worried about you, Katelyn.”
“There’s nothing to worry about, Daniel. How many times do I have to tell you guys that?” I was lying through my teeth, as you can obviously tell.
“I know what you say, Katelyn, but I also know that it isn’t true at all.”
“You can believe whatever you want. That doesn’t mean you’re right.”
“And you can say whatever you want but that doesn’t mean you’re right, does it?”
I said nothing, just kept stirring my orange juice.
“Katelyn, I’m really worried about you. I just need to make sure you’re okay. And not just me, but Robert too. We both need to make sure you’re okay. We love you and we care about you, don’t you know that?”
“Of course I know that.” But I didn’t care. And they obviously didn’t know how sick I was of their unrealistic expectations of me.
“Good. I’m glad you know.” He paused. “Part of the reason I took you out to breakfast this morning was to let you know that you’re starting therapy on Monday.”
“Wonderful,” I answered sarcastically.
“We need to do this, Katelyn. You were in the emergency room for self-injury wounds just a week ago.”
“Whatever,” I answered. “I don’t care.”
“What is going on, Katelyn? You were doing so great just a few months ago.”
“I’m not perfect, Daniel, and I never will be, so stop expecting me to be.” If that wasn’t blunt I don’t know what was.
“I don’t expect you to be, Katelyn. You’re human. It’s okay to make mistakes. It’s okay to mess up sometimes.”
I said nothing.
“Is this what’s been bothering you?”
“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
He said nothing, as our food had just come. This was a little too private of a conversation for the waitress to hear.
When she left he whispered across the table, “Katelyn, it’s okay to be imperfect.”
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
I don’t care what anyone says. I have to be perfect. It’s the only way I know how to live. Even if I’m sick of it, it’s what I know, so I have to be it. I’ll never sacrifice my ideals for anything, even as I’m cutting myself, even as I’m burning myself, even as I’m plotting ways to get rid of myself, I will NEVER sacrifice them. Because it’s not okay to be imperfect, not for me and it’s not okay to make mistakes, not for me. I may be sick of being perfect, but it’s all I know, and it’s all I’ll ever be able to be.
Because I’m supposed to be the image of perfection. I’m supposed to be the ideal child. I’m supposed to be my parents’ dream come to life. Yet I’m constantly making mistakes. Even as I’m perfect, I’m screwing up. I’m a failure and I’ll never be anything else. A perfect failure, that’s what I am.
They loved me, didn’t they? But they’re gone now. I’ll never see my mom’s beautiful face again. I’ll never hear my dad’s deep laughter again. I won’t taste either of their cooking and I’ll never listen to my mother’s singing. We’ll never have another family meal with them or watch TV together. My dad will never read me another bedtime story or tell me how proud he is of me. My mom won’t be there when I have my first child and my dad won’t be there to walk me down the aisle. All I have left in this world is Robert, Jessica and Daniel, but they’ll never be mom and dad. They’ll never be the people who gave me life.
I have to honor my parents by living up to what they expected of me. I have to be perfect or I’ll never amount to anything in this life. They told me I have more potential than anyone they’d ever known. They told me I was the smartest of the entire family, that I was beautiful, that I was a wonderful student, that I had more talent than anyone they knew. No, I never want to hear those words again. I never want anyone to tell me any of those things again, not if it’s not coming from my mother or father’s mouth.
I’m going insane, aren’t I? I don’t know anything anymore. This entire situation is eating me alive.
I’m dying even as I try to live.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
We were on our way home when Daniel pulled into an empty parking lot and put the car in park. He stopped and looked directly at me.
“Katelyn, I just want you to know that Robert and I care very deeply for you. We love you. You can talk to us about anything, ok? I know that something’s bothering you. I know that there’s more you’re dealing with right now than you’ll probably ever share with us. But you need to know that you’re not alone in this. Robert and I and Jessica are there for you all the way, ok? We love you. We care about you. And we want you to be safe. Katelyn, there is nothing wrong with making a mistake here or there. It’s human and you’re human. And there’s nothing wrong with that. You’re going to make a mistake here and there. You’re going to screw up every once in awhile. You might get in trouble for those screw-ups but sometimes, it’s just going to happen and there’s nothing you’re going to be able to do to stop it.”
He paused, “Katelyn, it’s okay to not always measure up because you won’t always measure up. You’re growing up and you’re learning. I know you probably struggle with this whole idea that you have to be perfect, but you don’t. And I’m okay with you messing up every once in awhile. Because you’re human. Because it will happen. Because nobody is perfect, not even Robert. Okay?” He paused again. “Katelyn, it’s okay to be imperfect.”
With that I started crying. That’s the second time he had said that. I wanted to hide my face from him but he wouldn’t let me, instead he reached out for a hug.
“Come here, Kate,” he said, reaching across to embrace me. “Give me a hug.”
I wrapped my arms around him and cried into his shoulder. “It’s okay, baby. You’re not alone. We’ll get through this together. Everything’s gonna be alright.” He kissed my head. “I love you so much,” he whispered as he held me and rubbed my back until I calmed down and then released me.
“Do you feel better after getting that out?” he asked.
I nodded. “Yeah,” I answered.
“Good. Now, let’s get home.”
Katelyn, it’s okay to be imperfect.
It’s okay to be imperfect…
29 December 2010
Story: Never Again, Part II
Part of the Jessica/Katelyn series. A continuation to Never Again, Part I (obviously). Find out what happens next :P
**Self-injury themes presented in this story. Not suitable for those who may get triggered or offended by such material.**
Never Again Part II
by Mackenzie
Katelyn ran into the bathroom and locked the door behind her after everything was over with and done. I was shocked. It wasn’t like her to act this way. I thought after such a trying day, things would be okay after I had taken care of everything. Well, apparently they weren’t. I had tried to comfort her afterwards like I always do, had tried to make sure she was alright, but she wouldn’t have any of it. She just pushed me away and ran towards the bathroom. Something told me things weren’t right, but even with Katelyn’s history, I never would have expected what I found behind that door.
“Katelyn,” I began knocking, “Katelyn, open up this door.”
All I could hear behind the door was sobbing and then rummaging through something. I don’t know what it was, but I knew I had to get in there. I quickly ran into my room and went to Daniel’s and my dresser. On top of it there was a metal container with coins inside. I opened the lid of that metal container and grabbed the first coin I could then ran back to the bathroom door and inserted the coin into the tiny slot on the knob, turning the coin with it and opening the door. The first thing I saw when I walked in was Katelyn standing there pathetically, a razor in her hand, cuts all up and down her arms and legs and then I noticed her wrist was cut up especially bad. Even if I wasn’t a doctor I’d know how horrible this was.
The first words that came out of my mouth were, “Oh my God. What have I done?” as she collapsed to the ground and then I started crying. Spanking her before had never resulted in this. How had it resulted in something like this now? It didn’t make any goddamn sense.
I wanted to kneel down beside her and just hold her but even in a moment like this, I knew I had to stop the bleeding. There were ratty towels in the hall closet. I quickly went there and grabbed as many towels, even if they weren’t ratty, as I could then ran back to the bathroom and started wrapping them tightly around the various cuts, applying pressure. I focused mainly on the wrist. If she died, it would be because she lost too much blood from the veins in her wrist. “Katelyn, don’t die on me,” I cried, as I held onto her tightly. “I can’t lose you too.”
Suddenly I heard a door slam below and Daniel call up to me, “We’re home!”
“Daniel! Daniel!” I choked out in tears. “Hurry up here! I need your help! Katelyn and I are in the bathroom!” I could barely get the words out without sobbing.
I heard running up the stairs and then saw Daniel appear in the doorway, Jessica right behind him. “Oh my God,” he said in disbelief. “What happened?”
“I don’t know,” I cried. “I just punished her and then she ran in here and she started cutting, I guess.” I paused. “Daniel, we have to stop the bleeding now or she’ll die. I can’t lose her,” I sobbed. “I can’t lose her.”
“I’m going to call 911,” Daniel said to me then quickly punched the numbers into his phone. I sobbed still and buried my face into Katelyn’s hair, still applying pressure to the wounds. I had tied towels and rags around the wounds I couldn’t apply pressure to. Jessica stood in the doorway, dumbfounded, a look of disbelief on her face. She was shaking her head, not believing the sight before her.
“Why?” Jessica asked without really expecting any real answer. “Why?”
I shook my head back, “I don’t know.”
“911, this is an emergency. My husband’s sister was found in our bathroom unconscious with cuts all over her body and severe cuts on her wrist. She’s bleeding very heavily right now. Please send an ambulance. It’s urgent.” There was a pause. “Thank you.” Daniel hung up the phone. “They’re on their way,” he said.
I nodded, still crying. “Jessica, can you go get Katelyn’s shorts from my room?” I asked, trying to remain calm.
She nodded solemnly and went off to my bedroom, grabbing Katelyn’s shorts and coming back. “Thank you,” I said then proceeded to gently put them on over her legs while still applying pressure to her wrist, which was where she was bleeding from most. Some of the cuts had already stopped bleeding, so that was good, but her wrist was not done bleeding and I knew if she was, God forbid, going to die, then it would be from loss of blood from there. I wanted to move her downstairs, but I knew it would be best to let the paramedics do that.
Suddenly, there was a knock on the door. “I’ll go get it,” Daniel told us.
Within moments the paramedics were coming up the stairs with a stretcher behind them. They started asking me questions that I wasn’t able to answer because I wasn’t calm enough. Daniel, already knowing enough, answered them for me. Before I knew it they were putting her on the stretcher and carrying her down the steps.
“You ride in the ambulance with Katelyn. Jessica and I will drive,” Daniel said to me.
I nodded solemnly as Daniel put his arms around me and gave me a hug. “It’ll be okay,” he told me. “She’ll be alright.”
I nodded again, letting out another sob, “Thanks, Dan.”
“I’ll see you there,” he said gently as he closed the door behind us and I got into the ambulance behind Katelyn. They closed the doors quickly and soon the sirens were blaring and we were on our way to the hospital. The entire way, all I could think was don’t let her die, just don’t let her die.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
The ride to the hospital was a complete blur. I couldn’t believe that we had only been gone from the hospital for about 2 hours or so and we were already going back. I didn’t envision my day happening like this. First, Jessica gets beat up by Katelyn and we have to be there for the majority of the day. Then, I come back home and after everything is supposedly taken care of, my other sister ends up cutting herself incessantly and going unconscious. Lovely. Perfect. This was just how I wanted things to turn out.
Soon enough, we were pulling up to the emergency room and they were opening up the doors of the ambulance, lowering Katelyn out of the vehicle as quickly as they could. I followed behind them as they went through the doors and into the emergency room, through the hallways and into a room. I stood there, dumbfounded, as they began to stop the bleeding. I should have been able to do this myself at home but the cuts were too severe and too many. I’d seen girls (and some boys) come into the clinic with cuts like this before but never had I seen something this horrible. And to think that this was my sister, my baby sister. It was too hard to believe. All the same, it was true, and I was seeing her here, unconscious in a hospital room, closer to death than I had ever seen anyone who meant so much to me before.
I needed to sit down. This was too much. Yeah, I was a doctor and I had been for a few years now but this wasn’t just anybody we were talking about. This was Katelyn. This was my sister, my family. Now that our parents were dead, I was responsible and something inside of me kept asking, what did I do wrong? And if it wasn’t those words running through my mind then it was, I’m sorry, mom and dad. I’m so sorry. I tried. I’m trying. I’m sorry I can’t be better. God this is all my fault. I wish I could do more. Don’t let her die. And those thoughts just kept replaying in my head over and over as I sat down on a chair, hoping for the best and praying that she hadn’t lost too much blood. Before too long though, I was sent out to wait in the ER waiting room. I guess I was too much of a distraction from the matter at hand. I guess that made sense, though, seeing as I was pretty hysterical from the moment I had set foot in that bathroom.
When I came out into the waiting room, Daniel was sitting there waiting for me, just as he had been waiting there for me before. Only instead of Katelyn waiting with him this time, it was Jessica, with her cast and everything. I sat down beside Daniel and put my head in my hands. I wasn’t sure how much more of this I could take.
“How’s she holding out?” Daniel asked.
I shook my head, “I don’t know. They rushed me out of there because I was too much of a distraction.”
Daniel began rubbing my back, “I’m sure she’ll be fine. They know what they’re doing.”
“So do I. But for some odd reason I wasn’t able to do anything.”
“Robert, this isn’t your fault. You did what you could and had you not done what you did she may have been dead by now.”
“I guess you’re right,” I replied, sighing heavily.
There were several moments of silence among us before I finally spoke again. Jessica had gone to the bathroom, so I felt that it was a right time to bring this conversation up. “I’m never spanking either one of them again,” I said.
“Wait a second; you want to cut that punishment out entirely?” Daniel asked.
“Yes. I do. After this happened, no way am I going to spank them again. It’s not worth the risk.”
Daniel paused. “I agree.”
“You do?” I was surprised. I hadn’t expected Daniel to agree, though I suppose that does make sense.
“It makes perfect sense. We can do something a little safer. I’m sure it will have the same effect; at least I hope it does. Spankings clearly aren’t working for Katelyn and I wouldn’t want to risk something like this happening with Jessica or Katelyn again. We can do essays or lines or grounding or more chores, anything but what we’ve been doing, since it clearly isn’t working anymore. I’m not sure it ever was anyway.”
I nodded. “You’re right. I’m not sure they’ve really taught Katelyn anything. And clearly it didn’t help the cause tonight when she did this. And Jessica, well, we can’t take them away from Katelyn’s discipline and not take them away from Jessica’s. That just wouldn’t be fair.”
“So we’re agreed then?”
I nodded. “We’re agreed. No more spankings, ever.”
As if on cue, Jessica walked in right after I said that and sat down.
“Any updates on Katelyn?” she asked. This was the first time she had said anything since coming to the hospital. She had been unusually quiet. Odd since quiet wasn’t a word I would use to describe her.
“No, not yet,” I replied. “No one has come out to tell us what’s going on. I’m starting to get worried.”
Yet again, as if on cue, the doctor who had helped with Jessica came out to tell us what was going on with Katelyn. Weird how it was the same exact doctor from before. She took in a deep breath before speaking then let it out in a smile and said, “Everything’s going to be alright. She’s stabilized and breathing. Her vitals are good and surprisingly she only lost a pint of blood. That is much less than I would have expected considering the amount of blood that was coming out.” She paused. “Robert, you got to her just in time. Had you not applied pressure to those wounds, she probably would have died.”
I smiled. “Thank you for everything.” I paused a brief moment before saying, “Can we go back to see her?”
Dr. O’Brien smiled politely. “Of course you can,” she said. “Follow me.”
“Come on, Jessica,” I said gently, reaching out my hand towards her. “Let’s go.”
She grabbed my right hand with her left hand weakly and followed myself and Daniel back to the room Dr. O’Brien was leading us to.
“She’s right in here,” she told us, pointing through the doorway. I saw that they had moved her to a regular room and out of the emergency room. That had to be a good sign. It meant that she was fairly stabilized.
“I’ll leave the three of you alone with her.”
“Thank you, Dr. O’Brien,” I said politely and truly gratefully.
“Of course. It’s my job.” She smiled again.
I sat down in the chair beside Katelyn’s hospital bed. Bandages covered both her arms entirely and her wrist extensively. I’m sure her legs were the exact same. I placed my hand gently on top of hers and spoke her name in a very soft voice, “Katelyn, honey, can you hear me?”
And then, her eyes opened, slowly but surely.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
I opened my eyes, expecting to see the darkness of my room and to hear Jessica’s snoring beside me, only to be surprised and find that I was in a bright white room with IVs hooked up to my arm and in what appeared to be a hospital bed. The first person I saw was Robert, his bright emerald green eyes staring at me with deep concern and his hand lying gently on top of mine.
I struggled to get the words I wanted to say out of my mouth, “What… why… what… what happened?”
“Shh,” he said gently. “Don’t over-exert yourself. You’ve already been through a lot. I’ll explain what happened.” He paused. “Do you remember what you did to Jessica?”
“Yes,” I replied sadly.
“Do you remember how I punished you after we got back home from the hospital?”
I nodded. I didn’t want to remember, but I did.
“Well, afterwards, I tried to comfort you and make sure you were alright but you kept telling me to stop touching you. I was shocked and tried to figure out what was wrong but you wouldn’t answer my question. Instead you ran into the bathroom and locked the door behind you. I told you to open the door but you wouldn’t so I went to go get a coin and open up the bathroom door. I found you with a razor in your hand and cuts all over your body. Then you fell out of consciousness and fainted. I went to go grab towels to stop the bleeding because your wrist was bleeding especially badly and I knew I had to stop the bleeding if you were going to live. Daniel and Jessica came home. We called the paramedics. You were rushed to the hospital in an ambulance and they stopped the bleeding as fast as they could. Luckily, you only lost a pint of blood, which is surprising, given the amount of bleeding that was happening. Had I not gotten to you in time, you may have been dead right now, Kate.”
“I’m sorry, Robert,” I said.
“Shh, honey, it’s alright. Don’t worry about it.” He put a hand on my head and brushed the hair out of my face. “You’re alive and that’s all that matters.”
I nodded, too weak to say anything else.
“Get some rest, hon.” He kissed the top of my forehead. “We’ll be here.”
I nodded again and closed my eyes once more, happy to have a chance to sleep, even if it was under these circumstances.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
I smiled as Katelyn closed her eyes and went to sleep. She was alive. She was okay. Sure, she would be weak for a few days and yes, I’m sure she was emotionally and mentally drained and that she probably had way more mental issues than I thought she did. But she was alive and that was all that mattered.
“Dr. Parker, can I speak with you for a moment?” I turned around to see Dr. O’Brien in the doorway, her smile illuminating the whole room.
“Yeah,” I answered. “Sure.”
I walked towards the doorway and out into the hall while Daniel and Jessica stayed in the room with Katelyn. Suddenly it dawned upon me that they probably wondered what caused Katelyn to do this to herself and then I worried about what they would think when I told them the truth and while it wasn’t illegal to use corporal punishment in New York, I still had this irrational thought in my head for a brief moment that they’d take Katelyn and Jessica away from me. I couldn’t bear that thought so I tried to push it away, to no avail. It just kept coming back.
“Dr. Parker, I’m sure that you are being an excellent guardian but I need to ask you, what caused Katelyn to do this? Did something happen between the two of you when you got home?”
I smiled gently and wistfully. “Dr. O’Brien, this isn’t exactly something I’m comfortable sharing with you as I try to keep most family matters private but Daniel and I do use spanking as a form of punishment on the girls. Katelyn had beaten up Jessica earlier and when we came home I punished her in that manner. I guess something must have snapped inside of her and she just ran into the bathroom and started cutting.” I paused. “She hasn’t exactly been open with me on how she’s been feeling. We were going to start sending her to a therapist because she’s been showing self-destructive behavior in other ways like not eating enough but we just haven’t gotten the chance yet.”
“I see,” Dr O’Brien replied. “Well, we just needed to know. I didn’t expect any abuse to be happening at home but I had to make sure that it wasn’t a possibility.”
“No, ma’am. Most definitely not.” I paused. “I’m just trying to take care of my sisters as best as I can.”
“I understand.” She took a deep breath in and then sighed. “Within a few hours Katelyn should be able to go home. She’s stabilized enough and just needs to gain a little bit of energy back and then we will release her under the condition that you will sign a contract saying you will start sending her to therapy and also send her to a psychiatrist.” She briefly paused again. “I wouldn’t be surprised if your sister had a mood disorder of some type.”
“I fully intend on sending her. After this, there’s no question about it.”
She smiled again. “Good,” she replied. “I’m glad. Now I’ll leave you alone with your family.”
“Thank you so much for everything, Dr. O’Brien. First with Jessica and now with Katelyn. I can’t thank you enough.”
“Hey, it’s my job. What can I say?”
I laughed a little, “I know.”
“I’ll bring back the papers later for you to sign, Dr. Parker.”
“Thank you, again.”
“Of course.”
With that she left and I walked back into the room and stood beside Jessica who was sitting down in the chair beside Katelyn. It didn’t take me long to notice the tears running down her face. “I’m sorry, Katelyn,” she mouthed silently and then laid her head on the bed beside our sleeping sister.
“Hey now, Jess. It’s fine. Everything’s okay.” I squatted down beside her. “This isn’t your fault, okay?”
She shook her head, still crying. “It doesn’t matter if it is or not. I’m still sorry.”
“Jessica, look at me,” I said.
She looked up at me hesitantly.
“This is not your fault and Katelyn is alive and okay. That’s all that matters. And tomorrow we’re going to put all of this behind us and we’re going to move forward, alright?”
She nodded, again a little hesitantly, being much more compliant than she normally is. I couldn’t tell if that was a good sign or not. “Alright.”
I wrapped my arms around her gently and engulfed her in a tight hug. “I love you, sis. I love you so much.”
She wrapped her arms around my neck and nodded, still crying, tiny little sobs escaping from her mouth.
“Shh, shh…” I rubbed her back. “Everything’s gonna be alright, baby.”
“I know,” she whispered. “I know.”
Meanwhile, Daniel just stood there watching us, letting me have this moment with the sister I had never been close to, which bothered me. I had always wished I could take back those years of taunting, that there was some way I could make it up to her, some way I could make it so it never happened. I knew she didn’t hate me but I knew she resented me and the fact that I was raising her now. Still, I think things were getting better. At least, I hope they were. If they weren’t, I would have been pretty upset, more so than I already was.
Soon enough, Jessica calmed down enough to where she wasn’t crying and I could let go of her.
“So she’ll be okay?” Jessica asked.
I smiled at her gently, “She’ll be just fine, baby.”
She looked over at her twin. I knew she missed how their relationship used to be. “Good,” she said. “That makes me feel better.”
I smiled again. I just hoped that things would be okay for long enough.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
When I woke up again the only person there was Jessica, sitting by my side, looking at me.
“Hey,” I said in a hoarse voice.
“Hi,” she replied. “How are you feeling?”
“Weak. Dizzy. Tired.” I paused. “Where are Daniel and Robert?”
“They went to go sign some papers and to sign you out. They said that as soon as you woke up, we’d probably be able to go.”
I nodded and there were a few minutes of silence between us before I spoke up. “Look, Jess, I’m really sorry. First I beat you up and put you in the hospital and then I scared you by doing this. I didn’t mean any of it, Jess. I really didn’t. And I’m so sorry.” I almost broke on my last few words.
“It’s fine, Kate. I understand.”
“No, it’s not fine.”
“Yes, it really is.” She paused. “You’re alive and like Robert said, that’s all that matters.” She paused again. “We thought we were going to lose you for sure. It’s a miracle you’re alive and none of us could be happier that you are.” She smiled softly at me. “I love you so much, Kate. I don’t tell you that enough.”
“I love you too, Jess.”
At that exact moment Daniel and Robert walked in. “You finally wake up, sleepyhead,” Daniel teased.
I wistfully smiled. “Yeah,” I said. “I woke up.”
“How you feeling, hon?” he asked.
“Weak. Dizzy. Still tired.”
“I’d imagine so,” he replied. “It’s probably to be expected after that ordeal.”
“Yeah,” I whispered sadly then paused and said, “When can we go home?”
“As soon as you’re unhooked from all these contraptions!” Robert half yelled, trying to joke around with me to make me feel better. I’m not sure it really did any good.
“Yay…” I faked enthusiasm. I was too tired to really be enthusiastic.
“Katelyn,” Daniel said, trying to cheer me up. “Lighten up. You’re going home!”
“Yeah, I know,” I told him. “I’m just super duper tired.”
He nodded. “It’s understandable.”
As soon as he said that, a nurse walked in to unhook me from everything, quietly. She said very little… just unhooked me from all the machines and took the IVs out and told me to never do something like this again and that she didn’t want to see us in this hospital any time soon. I nodded at everything she said, agreeing so as not to cause any trouble. I didn’t want to disagree. It was too much work.
Robert had apparently gone to get a wheelchair from the clinic while I was sleeping at some point and had brought it in for us to use. He told me to sit down in it, not really giving me much of a choice and wheeled me out to the car and gently lifted me up then placed me in the backseat, being careful of my wrist especially. I ached all over and so many inches of my skin burned. I guess that’s what happened when you cut yourself up so badly.
Soon enough, we were out of the hospital parking lot and on our way home. It was light outside and I assumed we had been there the entire night and that it was now somewhere around 7 or 8 in the morning. We got home within a matter of 10 minutes, sooner than I would have expected. As soon as we got home, Robert came to my side with the wheelchair and lifted me up then put me into it, taking me up to the front door and making sure I got inside safely. I tried to get up on my own to walk up the stairs but he wouldn’t let me. His overprotective older brother side was coming out.
“Katelyn, I don’t want you walking up those stairs on your own. Let me carry you up there.”
I rolled my eyes. “Fine,” I said.
He lifted me up and carried me to my bed, gently placing me down on it. I didn’t have any shoes on, so I didn’t worry about it. He tucked me in and kissed my forehead gently. “Get some sleep, sweetie. I’ll wake you up in a few hours.”
I fell asleep for the third time in the past 12 hours. It was probably the first actual restful sleep I had gotten since going into the hospital.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
I woke Katelyn gently from her sleep at around 1:30 in the afternoon. I figured she would need more sleep later but that this was enough for now. “Katelyn, honey, you need to wake up. Daniel and I need to talk to you and Jessica.”
She slowly rose up and looked over at Jessica whom Daniel was waking up at that moment. She rubbed her eyes weakly. “What do you need to talk to us about?” she asked.
“Hold on a second, hon.” I paused then called over to Jessica. “Jessica, can you come over here, baby?”
She nodded weakly but then asked, “What do you guys want to talk to us about?” as she walked over with Daniel and sat down next to Katelyn.
I took in a deep breath. It’s not like what I was about to tell them would disappoint them but I was worried that trying other punishments wouldn’t work as well and that if they felt they wouldn’t get spanked for what they did wrong then they would just do whatever the hell they felt like but they had to know what was in store for them. It just wouldn’t be right otherwise. “Daniel and I have decided, after what happened with Katelyn, that we won’t be spanking either one of you anymore again. They’re over with and done. No more.”
I paused, waiting for their reactions and Jessica was the first one to vocalize her thoughts.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
I was shocked. What? No more spankings? I wasn’t sure if I liked that thought or not. Yeah, they hurt but I always felt better afterwards. That must sound weird to most people but it’s like I felt forgiven afterwards and I was worried if they switched to other punishments, I wouldn’t feel forgiven anymore. What happened with this last spanking was a freak accident. I’d just been messed up since school ended, that was all. And it wouldn’t happen again, right? Right? Yeah, it wouldn’t happen again because Daniel and Robert would never use that punishment on us again.
Jessica was clearly just as shocked as I was because she said, “Wait… wait a second. What? You’re not going to spank us anymore.”
“No,” Daniel said. “We’re not.”
“But that doesn’t mean there won’t be any punishments when you do the wrong thing,” Robert replied.
“It just means we’ll use something else,” said Daniel.
“Like grounding or essays,” added Robert.
“Or lines or more chores,” Daniel added again.
“But no more spankings,” said Robert, “Ever again. It’s not worth the risk.” He paused. “Are you two okay with that?” he asked.
“Yeah,” Jessica said a little overenthusiastically. “I’m perfectly fine with it.”
I stared off into space, a little sad. “Katelyn?” Robert said in a questioning tone, trying to bring me out of my thoughts.
“Yeah?” I asked.
“Are you okay with that?”
“Yeah,” I replied. “I’m fine with it.” Even though I really wasn’t.
“Okay,” Robert said. “It’s settled then. No more spankings in this house.”
No more spankings. Maybe it wouldn’t be so bad. Maybe it would be great.
Who was I kidding? I had a bad feeling about the next few months ahead and as much as I tried to ignore it, I would turn out to be right. This wouldn’t work and things would end up much worse than they had already been with the spankings.
This wasn’t going to be easy… not even in the slightest.
**Self-injury themes presented in this story. Not suitable for those who may get triggered or offended by such material.**
Never Again Part II
by Mackenzie
Katelyn ran into the bathroom and locked the door behind her after everything was over with and done. I was shocked. It wasn’t like her to act this way. I thought after such a trying day, things would be okay after I had taken care of everything. Well, apparently they weren’t. I had tried to comfort her afterwards like I always do, had tried to make sure she was alright, but she wouldn’t have any of it. She just pushed me away and ran towards the bathroom. Something told me things weren’t right, but even with Katelyn’s history, I never would have expected what I found behind that door.
“Katelyn,” I began knocking, “Katelyn, open up this door.”
All I could hear behind the door was sobbing and then rummaging through something. I don’t know what it was, but I knew I had to get in there. I quickly ran into my room and went to Daniel’s and my dresser. On top of it there was a metal container with coins inside. I opened the lid of that metal container and grabbed the first coin I could then ran back to the bathroom door and inserted the coin into the tiny slot on the knob, turning the coin with it and opening the door. The first thing I saw when I walked in was Katelyn standing there pathetically, a razor in her hand, cuts all up and down her arms and legs and then I noticed her wrist was cut up especially bad. Even if I wasn’t a doctor I’d know how horrible this was.
The first words that came out of my mouth were, “Oh my God. What have I done?” as she collapsed to the ground and then I started crying. Spanking her before had never resulted in this. How had it resulted in something like this now? It didn’t make any goddamn sense.
I wanted to kneel down beside her and just hold her but even in a moment like this, I knew I had to stop the bleeding. There were ratty towels in the hall closet. I quickly went there and grabbed as many towels, even if they weren’t ratty, as I could then ran back to the bathroom and started wrapping them tightly around the various cuts, applying pressure. I focused mainly on the wrist. If she died, it would be because she lost too much blood from the veins in her wrist. “Katelyn, don’t die on me,” I cried, as I held onto her tightly. “I can’t lose you too.”
Suddenly I heard a door slam below and Daniel call up to me, “We’re home!”
“Daniel! Daniel!” I choked out in tears. “Hurry up here! I need your help! Katelyn and I are in the bathroom!” I could barely get the words out without sobbing.
I heard running up the stairs and then saw Daniel appear in the doorway, Jessica right behind him. “Oh my God,” he said in disbelief. “What happened?”
“I don’t know,” I cried. “I just punished her and then she ran in here and she started cutting, I guess.” I paused. “Daniel, we have to stop the bleeding now or she’ll die. I can’t lose her,” I sobbed. “I can’t lose her.”
“I’m going to call 911,” Daniel said to me then quickly punched the numbers into his phone. I sobbed still and buried my face into Katelyn’s hair, still applying pressure to the wounds. I had tied towels and rags around the wounds I couldn’t apply pressure to. Jessica stood in the doorway, dumbfounded, a look of disbelief on her face. She was shaking her head, not believing the sight before her.
“Why?” Jessica asked without really expecting any real answer. “Why?”
I shook my head back, “I don’t know.”
“911, this is an emergency. My husband’s sister was found in our bathroom unconscious with cuts all over her body and severe cuts on her wrist. She’s bleeding very heavily right now. Please send an ambulance. It’s urgent.” There was a pause. “Thank you.” Daniel hung up the phone. “They’re on their way,” he said.
I nodded, still crying. “Jessica, can you go get Katelyn’s shorts from my room?” I asked, trying to remain calm.
She nodded solemnly and went off to my bedroom, grabbing Katelyn’s shorts and coming back. “Thank you,” I said then proceeded to gently put them on over her legs while still applying pressure to her wrist, which was where she was bleeding from most. Some of the cuts had already stopped bleeding, so that was good, but her wrist was not done bleeding and I knew if she was, God forbid, going to die, then it would be from loss of blood from there. I wanted to move her downstairs, but I knew it would be best to let the paramedics do that.
Suddenly, there was a knock on the door. “I’ll go get it,” Daniel told us.
Within moments the paramedics were coming up the stairs with a stretcher behind them. They started asking me questions that I wasn’t able to answer because I wasn’t calm enough. Daniel, already knowing enough, answered them for me. Before I knew it they were putting her on the stretcher and carrying her down the steps.
“You ride in the ambulance with Katelyn. Jessica and I will drive,” Daniel said to me.
I nodded solemnly as Daniel put his arms around me and gave me a hug. “It’ll be okay,” he told me. “She’ll be alright.”
I nodded again, letting out another sob, “Thanks, Dan.”
“I’ll see you there,” he said gently as he closed the door behind us and I got into the ambulance behind Katelyn. They closed the doors quickly and soon the sirens were blaring and we were on our way to the hospital. The entire way, all I could think was don’t let her die, just don’t let her die.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
The ride to the hospital was a complete blur. I couldn’t believe that we had only been gone from the hospital for about 2 hours or so and we were already going back. I didn’t envision my day happening like this. First, Jessica gets beat up by Katelyn and we have to be there for the majority of the day. Then, I come back home and after everything is supposedly taken care of, my other sister ends up cutting herself incessantly and going unconscious. Lovely. Perfect. This was just how I wanted things to turn out.
Soon enough, we were pulling up to the emergency room and they were opening up the doors of the ambulance, lowering Katelyn out of the vehicle as quickly as they could. I followed behind them as they went through the doors and into the emergency room, through the hallways and into a room. I stood there, dumbfounded, as they began to stop the bleeding. I should have been able to do this myself at home but the cuts were too severe and too many. I’d seen girls (and some boys) come into the clinic with cuts like this before but never had I seen something this horrible. And to think that this was my sister, my baby sister. It was too hard to believe. All the same, it was true, and I was seeing her here, unconscious in a hospital room, closer to death than I had ever seen anyone who meant so much to me before.
I needed to sit down. This was too much. Yeah, I was a doctor and I had been for a few years now but this wasn’t just anybody we were talking about. This was Katelyn. This was my sister, my family. Now that our parents were dead, I was responsible and something inside of me kept asking, what did I do wrong? And if it wasn’t those words running through my mind then it was, I’m sorry, mom and dad. I’m so sorry. I tried. I’m trying. I’m sorry I can’t be better. God this is all my fault. I wish I could do more. Don’t let her die. And those thoughts just kept replaying in my head over and over as I sat down on a chair, hoping for the best and praying that she hadn’t lost too much blood. Before too long though, I was sent out to wait in the ER waiting room. I guess I was too much of a distraction from the matter at hand. I guess that made sense, though, seeing as I was pretty hysterical from the moment I had set foot in that bathroom.
When I came out into the waiting room, Daniel was sitting there waiting for me, just as he had been waiting there for me before. Only instead of Katelyn waiting with him this time, it was Jessica, with her cast and everything. I sat down beside Daniel and put my head in my hands. I wasn’t sure how much more of this I could take.
“How’s she holding out?” Daniel asked.
I shook my head, “I don’t know. They rushed me out of there because I was too much of a distraction.”
Daniel began rubbing my back, “I’m sure she’ll be fine. They know what they’re doing.”
“So do I. But for some odd reason I wasn’t able to do anything.”
“Robert, this isn’t your fault. You did what you could and had you not done what you did she may have been dead by now.”
“I guess you’re right,” I replied, sighing heavily.
There were several moments of silence among us before I finally spoke again. Jessica had gone to the bathroom, so I felt that it was a right time to bring this conversation up. “I’m never spanking either one of them again,” I said.
“Wait a second; you want to cut that punishment out entirely?” Daniel asked.
“Yes. I do. After this happened, no way am I going to spank them again. It’s not worth the risk.”
Daniel paused. “I agree.”
“You do?” I was surprised. I hadn’t expected Daniel to agree, though I suppose that does make sense.
“It makes perfect sense. We can do something a little safer. I’m sure it will have the same effect; at least I hope it does. Spankings clearly aren’t working for Katelyn and I wouldn’t want to risk something like this happening with Jessica or Katelyn again. We can do essays or lines or grounding or more chores, anything but what we’ve been doing, since it clearly isn’t working anymore. I’m not sure it ever was anyway.”
I nodded. “You’re right. I’m not sure they’ve really taught Katelyn anything. And clearly it didn’t help the cause tonight when she did this. And Jessica, well, we can’t take them away from Katelyn’s discipline and not take them away from Jessica’s. That just wouldn’t be fair.”
“So we’re agreed then?”
I nodded. “We’re agreed. No more spankings, ever.”
As if on cue, Jessica walked in right after I said that and sat down.
“Any updates on Katelyn?” she asked. This was the first time she had said anything since coming to the hospital. She had been unusually quiet. Odd since quiet wasn’t a word I would use to describe her.
“No, not yet,” I replied. “No one has come out to tell us what’s going on. I’m starting to get worried.”
Yet again, as if on cue, the doctor who had helped with Jessica came out to tell us what was going on with Katelyn. Weird how it was the same exact doctor from before. She took in a deep breath before speaking then let it out in a smile and said, “Everything’s going to be alright. She’s stabilized and breathing. Her vitals are good and surprisingly she only lost a pint of blood. That is much less than I would have expected considering the amount of blood that was coming out.” She paused. “Robert, you got to her just in time. Had you not applied pressure to those wounds, she probably would have died.”
I smiled. “Thank you for everything.” I paused a brief moment before saying, “Can we go back to see her?”
Dr. O’Brien smiled politely. “Of course you can,” she said. “Follow me.”
“Come on, Jessica,” I said gently, reaching out my hand towards her. “Let’s go.”
She grabbed my right hand with her left hand weakly and followed myself and Daniel back to the room Dr. O’Brien was leading us to.
“She’s right in here,” she told us, pointing through the doorway. I saw that they had moved her to a regular room and out of the emergency room. That had to be a good sign. It meant that she was fairly stabilized.
“I’ll leave the three of you alone with her.”
“Thank you, Dr. O’Brien,” I said politely and truly gratefully.
“Of course. It’s my job.” She smiled again.
I sat down in the chair beside Katelyn’s hospital bed. Bandages covered both her arms entirely and her wrist extensively. I’m sure her legs were the exact same. I placed my hand gently on top of hers and spoke her name in a very soft voice, “Katelyn, honey, can you hear me?”
And then, her eyes opened, slowly but surely.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
I opened my eyes, expecting to see the darkness of my room and to hear Jessica’s snoring beside me, only to be surprised and find that I was in a bright white room with IVs hooked up to my arm and in what appeared to be a hospital bed. The first person I saw was Robert, his bright emerald green eyes staring at me with deep concern and his hand lying gently on top of mine.
I struggled to get the words I wanted to say out of my mouth, “What… why… what… what happened?”
“Shh,” he said gently. “Don’t over-exert yourself. You’ve already been through a lot. I’ll explain what happened.” He paused. “Do you remember what you did to Jessica?”
“Yes,” I replied sadly.
“Do you remember how I punished you after we got back home from the hospital?”
I nodded. I didn’t want to remember, but I did.
“Well, afterwards, I tried to comfort you and make sure you were alright but you kept telling me to stop touching you. I was shocked and tried to figure out what was wrong but you wouldn’t answer my question. Instead you ran into the bathroom and locked the door behind you. I told you to open the door but you wouldn’t so I went to go get a coin and open up the bathroom door. I found you with a razor in your hand and cuts all over your body. Then you fell out of consciousness and fainted. I went to go grab towels to stop the bleeding because your wrist was bleeding especially badly and I knew I had to stop the bleeding if you were going to live. Daniel and Jessica came home. We called the paramedics. You were rushed to the hospital in an ambulance and they stopped the bleeding as fast as they could. Luckily, you only lost a pint of blood, which is surprising, given the amount of bleeding that was happening. Had I not gotten to you in time, you may have been dead right now, Kate.”
“I’m sorry, Robert,” I said.
“Shh, honey, it’s alright. Don’t worry about it.” He put a hand on my head and brushed the hair out of my face. “You’re alive and that’s all that matters.”
I nodded, too weak to say anything else.
“Get some rest, hon.” He kissed the top of my forehead. “We’ll be here.”
I nodded again and closed my eyes once more, happy to have a chance to sleep, even if it was under these circumstances.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
I smiled as Katelyn closed her eyes and went to sleep. She was alive. She was okay. Sure, she would be weak for a few days and yes, I’m sure she was emotionally and mentally drained and that she probably had way more mental issues than I thought she did. But she was alive and that was all that mattered.
“Dr. Parker, can I speak with you for a moment?” I turned around to see Dr. O’Brien in the doorway, her smile illuminating the whole room.
“Yeah,” I answered. “Sure.”
I walked towards the doorway and out into the hall while Daniel and Jessica stayed in the room with Katelyn. Suddenly it dawned upon me that they probably wondered what caused Katelyn to do this to herself and then I worried about what they would think when I told them the truth and while it wasn’t illegal to use corporal punishment in New York, I still had this irrational thought in my head for a brief moment that they’d take Katelyn and Jessica away from me. I couldn’t bear that thought so I tried to push it away, to no avail. It just kept coming back.
“Dr. Parker, I’m sure that you are being an excellent guardian but I need to ask you, what caused Katelyn to do this? Did something happen between the two of you when you got home?”
I smiled gently and wistfully. “Dr. O’Brien, this isn’t exactly something I’m comfortable sharing with you as I try to keep most family matters private but Daniel and I do use spanking as a form of punishment on the girls. Katelyn had beaten up Jessica earlier and when we came home I punished her in that manner. I guess something must have snapped inside of her and she just ran into the bathroom and started cutting.” I paused. “She hasn’t exactly been open with me on how she’s been feeling. We were going to start sending her to a therapist because she’s been showing self-destructive behavior in other ways like not eating enough but we just haven’t gotten the chance yet.”
“I see,” Dr O’Brien replied. “Well, we just needed to know. I didn’t expect any abuse to be happening at home but I had to make sure that it wasn’t a possibility.”
“No, ma’am. Most definitely not.” I paused. “I’m just trying to take care of my sisters as best as I can.”
“I understand.” She took a deep breath in and then sighed. “Within a few hours Katelyn should be able to go home. She’s stabilized enough and just needs to gain a little bit of energy back and then we will release her under the condition that you will sign a contract saying you will start sending her to therapy and also send her to a psychiatrist.” She briefly paused again. “I wouldn’t be surprised if your sister had a mood disorder of some type.”
“I fully intend on sending her. After this, there’s no question about it.”
She smiled again. “Good,” she replied. “I’m glad. Now I’ll leave you alone with your family.”
“Thank you so much for everything, Dr. O’Brien. First with Jessica and now with Katelyn. I can’t thank you enough.”
“Hey, it’s my job. What can I say?”
I laughed a little, “I know.”
“I’ll bring back the papers later for you to sign, Dr. Parker.”
“Thank you, again.”
“Of course.”
With that she left and I walked back into the room and stood beside Jessica who was sitting down in the chair beside Katelyn. It didn’t take me long to notice the tears running down her face. “I’m sorry, Katelyn,” she mouthed silently and then laid her head on the bed beside our sleeping sister.
“Hey now, Jess. It’s fine. Everything’s okay.” I squatted down beside her. “This isn’t your fault, okay?”
She shook her head, still crying. “It doesn’t matter if it is or not. I’m still sorry.”
“Jessica, look at me,” I said.
She looked up at me hesitantly.
“This is not your fault and Katelyn is alive and okay. That’s all that matters. And tomorrow we’re going to put all of this behind us and we’re going to move forward, alright?”
She nodded, again a little hesitantly, being much more compliant than she normally is. I couldn’t tell if that was a good sign or not. “Alright.”
I wrapped my arms around her gently and engulfed her in a tight hug. “I love you, sis. I love you so much.”
She wrapped her arms around my neck and nodded, still crying, tiny little sobs escaping from her mouth.
“Shh, shh…” I rubbed her back. “Everything’s gonna be alright, baby.”
“I know,” she whispered. “I know.”
Meanwhile, Daniel just stood there watching us, letting me have this moment with the sister I had never been close to, which bothered me. I had always wished I could take back those years of taunting, that there was some way I could make it up to her, some way I could make it so it never happened. I knew she didn’t hate me but I knew she resented me and the fact that I was raising her now. Still, I think things were getting better. At least, I hope they were. If they weren’t, I would have been pretty upset, more so than I already was.
Soon enough, Jessica calmed down enough to where she wasn’t crying and I could let go of her.
“So she’ll be okay?” Jessica asked.
I smiled at her gently, “She’ll be just fine, baby.”
She looked over at her twin. I knew she missed how their relationship used to be. “Good,” she said. “That makes me feel better.”
I smiled again. I just hoped that things would be okay for long enough.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
When I woke up again the only person there was Jessica, sitting by my side, looking at me.
“Hey,” I said in a hoarse voice.
“Hi,” she replied. “How are you feeling?”
“Weak. Dizzy. Tired.” I paused. “Where are Daniel and Robert?”
“They went to go sign some papers and to sign you out. They said that as soon as you woke up, we’d probably be able to go.”
I nodded and there were a few minutes of silence between us before I spoke up. “Look, Jess, I’m really sorry. First I beat you up and put you in the hospital and then I scared you by doing this. I didn’t mean any of it, Jess. I really didn’t. And I’m so sorry.” I almost broke on my last few words.
“It’s fine, Kate. I understand.”
“No, it’s not fine.”
“Yes, it really is.” She paused. “You’re alive and like Robert said, that’s all that matters.” She paused again. “We thought we were going to lose you for sure. It’s a miracle you’re alive and none of us could be happier that you are.” She smiled softly at me. “I love you so much, Kate. I don’t tell you that enough.”
“I love you too, Jess.”
At that exact moment Daniel and Robert walked in. “You finally wake up, sleepyhead,” Daniel teased.
I wistfully smiled. “Yeah,” I said. “I woke up.”
“How you feeling, hon?” he asked.
“Weak. Dizzy. Still tired.”
“I’d imagine so,” he replied. “It’s probably to be expected after that ordeal.”
“Yeah,” I whispered sadly then paused and said, “When can we go home?”
“As soon as you’re unhooked from all these contraptions!” Robert half yelled, trying to joke around with me to make me feel better. I’m not sure it really did any good.
“Yay…” I faked enthusiasm. I was too tired to really be enthusiastic.
“Katelyn,” Daniel said, trying to cheer me up. “Lighten up. You’re going home!”
“Yeah, I know,” I told him. “I’m just super duper tired.”
He nodded. “It’s understandable.”
As soon as he said that, a nurse walked in to unhook me from everything, quietly. She said very little… just unhooked me from all the machines and took the IVs out and told me to never do something like this again and that she didn’t want to see us in this hospital any time soon. I nodded at everything she said, agreeing so as not to cause any trouble. I didn’t want to disagree. It was too much work.
Robert had apparently gone to get a wheelchair from the clinic while I was sleeping at some point and had brought it in for us to use. He told me to sit down in it, not really giving me much of a choice and wheeled me out to the car and gently lifted me up then placed me in the backseat, being careful of my wrist especially. I ached all over and so many inches of my skin burned. I guess that’s what happened when you cut yourself up so badly.
Soon enough, we were out of the hospital parking lot and on our way home. It was light outside and I assumed we had been there the entire night and that it was now somewhere around 7 or 8 in the morning. We got home within a matter of 10 minutes, sooner than I would have expected. As soon as we got home, Robert came to my side with the wheelchair and lifted me up then put me into it, taking me up to the front door and making sure I got inside safely. I tried to get up on my own to walk up the stairs but he wouldn’t let me. His overprotective older brother side was coming out.
“Katelyn, I don’t want you walking up those stairs on your own. Let me carry you up there.”
I rolled my eyes. “Fine,” I said.
He lifted me up and carried me to my bed, gently placing me down on it. I didn’t have any shoes on, so I didn’t worry about it. He tucked me in and kissed my forehead gently. “Get some sleep, sweetie. I’ll wake you up in a few hours.”
I fell asleep for the third time in the past 12 hours. It was probably the first actual restful sleep I had gotten since going into the hospital.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
I woke Katelyn gently from her sleep at around 1:30 in the afternoon. I figured she would need more sleep later but that this was enough for now. “Katelyn, honey, you need to wake up. Daniel and I need to talk to you and Jessica.”
She slowly rose up and looked over at Jessica whom Daniel was waking up at that moment. She rubbed her eyes weakly. “What do you need to talk to us about?” she asked.
“Hold on a second, hon.” I paused then called over to Jessica. “Jessica, can you come over here, baby?”
She nodded weakly but then asked, “What do you guys want to talk to us about?” as she walked over with Daniel and sat down next to Katelyn.
I took in a deep breath. It’s not like what I was about to tell them would disappoint them but I was worried that trying other punishments wouldn’t work as well and that if they felt they wouldn’t get spanked for what they did wrong then they would just do whatever the hell they felt like but they had to know what was in store for them. It just wouldn’t be right otherwise. “Daniel and I have decided, after what happened with Katelyn, that we won’t be spanking either one of you anymore again. They’re over with and done. No more.”
I paused, waiting for their reactions and Jessica was the first one to vocalize her thoughts.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
I was shocked. What? No more spankings? I wasn’t sure if I liked that thought or not. Yeah, they hurt but I always felt better afterwards. That must sound weird to most people but it’s like I felt forgiven afterwards and I was worried if they switched to other punishments, I wouldn’t feel forgiven anymore. What happened with this last spanking was a freak accident. I’d just been messed up since school ended, that was all. And it wouldn’t happen again, right? Right? Yeah, it wouldn’t happen again because Daniel and Robert would never use that punishment on us again.
Jessica was clearly just as shocked as I was because she said, “Wait… wait a second. What? You’re not going to spank us anymore.”
“No,” Daniel said. “We’re not.”
“But that doesn’t mean there won’t be any punishments when you do the wrong thing,” Robert replied.
“It just means we’ll use something else,” said Daniel.
“Like grounding or essays,” added Robert.
“Or lines or more chores,” Daniel added again.
“But no more spankings,” said Robert, “Ever again. It’s not worth the risk.” He paused. “Are you two okay with that?” he asked.
“Yeah,” Jessica said a little overenthusiastically. “I’m perfectly fine with it.”
I stared off into space, a little sad. “Katelyn?” Robert said in a questioning tone, trying to bring me out of my thoughts.
“Yeah?” I asked.
“Are you okay with that?”
“Yeah,” I replied. “I’m fine with it.” Even though I really wasn’t.
“Okay,” Robert said. “It’s settled then. No more spankings in this house.”
No more spankings. Maybe it wouldn’t be so bad. Maybe it would be great.
Who was I kidding? I had a bad feeling about the next few months ahead and as much as I tried to ignore it, I would turn out to be right. This wouldn’t work and things would end up much worse than they had already been with the spankings.
This wasn’t going to be easy… not even in the slightest.
Story: Never Again, Part I
Part of the Jessica/Katelyn Series. It's summer and Katelyn is having difficulties with channeling her anxieties to positive energy. On a particularly bad day, she gets frustrated with her twin and does something that we would normally expect out of Jessica.
**Self-injury themes presented in the latter parts of this story. Not suitable for those who may get triggered or offended by such material.**
Never Again Part I
by Mackenzie
It was summer and school had been out for a couple of weeks. I’d successfully finished the year with all A’s. Despite that close encounter with the B-, I made it out with nearly perfect grades. Things were looking up with Jessica too. After that whole thing with the school and unwarranted searches, we’d been getting along better than ever. It was awesome. I felt like I had my sister back, almost. But anyways, to move on with the story: it was summer, which naturally meant do nothing, eat and drink what you want when you want, stay up late and break rules. Well, I did everything except for the first and last ones. Haha, that’s probably what got me into trouble. So scratch the not breaking rules. I did that one too. Oh and the doing nothing, I probably actually did that one as well. So I did all four. Haha, just don’t listen to me. It’s something you should have learned by now.
So it had been exactly two weeks and one day since school had been let out, a Saturday. It was sometime in the early afternoon and I was downstairs in the kitchen, getting a mountain dew, for like the fourth or fifth time. Which honestly, was pretty ridiculous, since it was only 12:41 and it was already my fourth caffeinated drink. And Robert called me out on it.
“Katelyn,” he said. “How many of those have you had?”
“This is only my second.” I blatantly lied.
“Uh huh,” he replied, turning the page of the newspaper he was reading, “And I’m not a doctor. Put it back, Katelyn.”
“But Robert,” I whined.
“Katelyn, put it back now. I’m not going to ask you again.” He said sternly.
“But it really is only my second.”
“You’re about as good at lying as I am at drawing.” He looked at me. “Now put it back. You’ve had enough caffeine for the day. You don’t need more.”
I gave an exasperated sigh, “Fine. It’s not like I wanted it anyway.”
“Watch the attitude, Kate.”
I rolled my eyes and muttered to myself, “Whatever.” Then I stormed off and went to my room, slamming the door behind me. Jessica looked up from the magazine she was reading, a questioning look on her face. “I hate Robert.” I said as I plopped backwards onto my bed.
“That’s a first,” she replied. “I see you finally joined the dark side.”
I sighed.
“Why exactly do you hate Robert again?”
“He yelled at me for grabbing a soda.” She looked at me strangely as I paused. “I know, I know, right? It’s childish and stupid, but don’t I get to be like that for once?” She blinked at me nonchantantly. I gave an exasperated, moaning sigh and screamed into my pillow. “Just shut up, Jessica.”
“I didn’t say anything. I was just si-“
“Shut up!”
“Ok, geeze,” she said, offended, “No need to be a bitch about it.”
“Don’t call me a fucking bitch!” I screamed.
“Then don’t be one!” Jessica screamed back.
I glared at her, “Fuck you!”
“Fuck you right back!”
“Jessica, I swear to God...”
“You swear to God what?”
“I will fucking hit you if you don’t shut the fuck up!”
“Go right on ahead then! See if I care!” She screamed in a sarcastic tone of voice.
“Fine!” I roared as I ran across the room and literally attacked her, tackling her to the ground. “I will!” I screamed as I pulled at her hair and kicked her. She was kicking and punching me right back.
That was when I heard knocking on the door and shouting from the other side. “Jessica Lynne, Katelyn Rose, you’d better open this door right now if you know what’s good for you!” But I didn’t listen, I just kept punching and kicking her, that is, until the door swung open and I felt my brother’s strong arms lift me up and pull me away from my sister. But he wasn’t gentle about it at all. In fact he pushed me away from her into a corner. “Katelyn Rose, you stay right there, and I mean it!” he said, as he went over to tend to my sister. It wasn’t until he had pushed me there that I had seen the damage done. Blood was streaming from Jessica’s head and nose all the way down. Her left eye was swollen and black and she was breathing heavily. I started sobbing. Had I really done that?
Robert looked at Jessica, then looked at me in disbelief, glaring at me. “Katelyn Rose Parker, I cannot believe you. We’re going to have a long talk about this after I take care of your sister.” I couldn’t believe me either. It wasn’t in my nature to do such a thing. I stared down at my hands; there was blood on them. And that’s when I really broke and fell down to the floor, burying my face in my arms. How could I do that? I didn’t even know I was capable of it.
From across the room I could hear Robert talking to Jessica, but she didn’t answer. “Calm down, Jess. It’s ok. You’re gonnna be ok, I promise.” I lifted my face from my arms, seeing Robert cradling Jessica in his arms and rubbing her back. She was still bleeding. Her eye was more swollen than before. Robert lifted her up, carrying her to the open door. “Katelyn, come with us.” I didn’t say or do anything. I just sat there until he said, “NOW.” Then I got up. “You’re coming with us to the ER and you can explain what happened to them there. I’m not doing it.” I started to speak but he stopped me. “No buts about it. You did this to her. You can explain to them why and how.” I dropped my head down, letting more tears fall. How could I be so mean? “Follow me,” he said, rushing down the stairs and into the kitchen to grab his keys, then out the door. We ran to the car and got in as he unlocked the doors. “In the back, Katelyn,” he told me as he gently placed Jessica in the front seat and buckled her seatbelt, and then raced over to his side, turning the keys in the ignition and pulling out of the driveway as quickly as he could legally. Once we were on the main road, he threw his phone back to me and ordered me to call Daniel.
I dialed the number quickly, punching with force, tears still rolling down my face. It took only three rings before Daniel picked up the phone, “Hey, honey, what’s up?” he answered.
“It’s Katelyn.” I replied, sobbing, barely getting the words up.
“Whoa, hon, calm down… what’s wrong?”
“I… I… Jessica…” I just broke down sobbing.
“Just breathe, Kate. Just breathe.”
“Can you please just come to the hospital?” I cried, managing to get at least that much out.
“Why? What’s wrong?”
“Jessica… I… I…” I broke down sobbing again.
“Oh for God sakes,” Robert yelled, “Just hand me the damn phone!” That got me crying even more. Robert NEVER spoke to me like that. But, I handed him the phone anyway, not wanting to make things worse than they already were.
“Daniel, you need to come to the hospital as soon as you can.” He paused. “Why? Because Katelyn literally beat up Jessica, that’s why. And she’s hurt really badly… yes, I know… well, it doesn’t matter. It’s over with, it’s done. Now we have to get Jess to the hospital as fast as we can. I think her arm might be broken and she might need stitches, hell, I don’t even know if she’s conscious or not… hon, I can’t talk anymore. Just meet us there as fast as you can. Okay, love you, bye.” He hung up the phone. “Katelyn, words cannot describe how disappointed I am in you right now.” Robert said.
“I’m sorry,” I cried out through my tears.
“Not as sorry as you’ll be after I’m through with you.” He stated as we pulled into the ER parking lot and into a space. The moment he said that, all I wanted to do was curl up in a ball and cry. I’d never seen him so angry before… ever. “Get out of the car, Katelyn.” Robert ordered, slamming his own door behind him and rushing to get my possibly unconscious sister out of her seat. She hadn’t said a word the entire ride and she hadn’t cried. There wasn’t a noise coming out of her other than heavy breathing. This was awful. What had I done? I did as my brother said, closing my own door behind me and rushing with him through the ER doors.
Everything that happened within the next hour was a complete and total blur. I remember Robert yelling for somebody to help us and I remember watching them rush Jessica into a room and hooking up IVs and stuff to her body as Robert followed. I remember sitting down and talking with one of the nurses and explaining to them what happened or trying to but crying hysterically instead. And I remember sitting in the waiting room afterwards, my sobs still not dying down. And then I remember Daniel coming and sitting there with me, trying to comfort me. But the details of that hour are completely lost in my mind.
It wasn’t until a few hours after we had first gotten there that Robert came out into the waiting room. By now, my sobs had died down and I had remembered to be hungry but I didn’t dare ask for food given the circumstances. Daniel was still sitting with me. We hadn’t spoken since those first few minutes he was here but now, Daniel was ready to ask a ton of questions and started in on Robert immediately.
“Is she alright?” he asked.
There was a pause in between Daniel’s question and Robert’s response. I expected to hear the worst but only heard him sigh and say, “She’ll be okay.”
Daniel breathed a sigh of relief. “Thank God,” he said, then paused and said “What’d they say?”
I’m going to put what Robert said next in layman’s terms because he decided to go all doctor on us and say a ton of stuff that didn’t make sense. Of course, Daniel understood ‘cause he took all the classes in high school he needed to in order to become a doctor but besides that, he’d been married to Robert for two years and been dating him for even longer so he was used to it by now. “Well, her arm wasn’t broken like I thought it might be but her wrist, you know, the fractured one, is broken now and a few blood vessels in her nose broke, so she had some severe bleeding there. She had to have stitches on her forehead and she had a concussion. She was knocked out for a little bit, but she’s awake now. And she remembers pretty much everything but the fight, so it’s ok.”
Daniel seemed flabbergasted at the news, despite the fact that I’m sure he expected way worse than what he had heard, “Well, at least she’s going to be okay.” He paused. “How long ‘til she can leave the hospital?”
Exasperated, Robert sighed, sitting down on the other side of Daniel, of course. “Who knows? A few hours, a day, maybe more; she just has to be stabilized and have everything taken care of. But it should be a quick fix from what I could tell. It’s just that concussion that we’ll really have to watch out for, along with her wrist.” He paused, eyeing Daniel. “No matter how much she begs don’t let her play softball or doing anything that requires use of her right wrist; well, anything extensive. Simple things are fine.”
“Sure thing, hon. I’ll be just as careful as you about it.”
He breathed in a sigh of relief, “Good.” Pausing, he spoke again, staring out into the distance blankly. “I’m really worried.”
I loved how he was completely ignoring me, but I guess I kinda deserved it, even if I hated it. Robert had never treated me like this in my life. I guess I’d really screwed up this time. I didn’t like it… at all.
Daniel reached over to his husband, grabbing a hand. “She’ll be alright.”
“I know but, I don’t like this.” I knew he wanted to elaborate on that. I knew he wanted to complete the sentence with something like: I would never expect something like this out of Katelyn; but I knew he wouldn’t, because I was sitting right there.
“I know.” Daniel sighed just like Robert had a million times already, rubbing Robert’s hand with his thumb.
We sat there in silence for a few moments before Robert finally decided to speak again, this time to me. “Are you hungry, Katelyn?” he asked. I was so shocked I didn’t say anything for a bit so he asked me again, “Katelyn? Are you hungry?”
This time I spoke, “Yeah,” I answered, “Kind of.”
He stood up then and reached out a hand towards me, “Come on then, let’s go to the cafeteria to get you something to eat.” I grabbed his hand and stood up. Clearly he hadn’t forgotten about my irregular, messed up eating habits. I guess that was comforting. At least I knew he still cared enough to make sure I didn’t starve myself again. “Daniel?” Robert said in a questioning tone.
“Yeah, hon?” Daniel replied.
“If you want to see Jess, she’s in room 316. It’s down the hall to the left. I’m sure she’d appreciate seeing you. She loves you a lot.”
He chuckled slightly at that. “I know she does. Don’t worry, I’ll be sure to go see her. Thank you.”
“You’re welcome, Dan.” Then to me, “Come on, Kate, let’s go.” He grabbed my hand like I was a small child as if he were afraid of losing me or me running off. I didn’t dare let go of it for fear that he’d retaliate against the movement. As he led me to the cafeteria, I couldn’t help but think about Jessica and how she was and what I had done to her. I felt awful and I knew Robert wouldn’t let it slide. Dammit, how did I end up screwing up so often? Maybe Jessica was the better kid.
After about 5 minutes of walking through hallways and riding in elevators, we arrived in the cafeteria on the first floor. Robert finally let go of my hand and ushered me into the line. “What do you want, Kate?” he asked.
“It doesn’t matter.” I answered, really not caring as long as I got something into my system.
“Just tell me what you want and I’ll get it,” he told me in an exasperated tone.
“I guess I’ll just have some chicken nuggets and fries then.” I replied.
“Okay, I think I’m going to have the same,” he said and then repeated the same thing to the cafeteria lady. She picked them up and put them in a couple of boxes for me and him. “What do you want to drink, Katelyn?”
“Mount—" I began to say.
He shook his head. “No, I already told you once today. No more caffeinated drinks. It’s not good for you. Besides, that’s probably what made you moody enough in the first place to do what you did.”
I pouted, “Okay.”
“What about green tea instead? You like that, don’t you?” I nodded. “Okay,” he said, grabbing two green teas. I think that was one of his favorite drinks.
We walked over to the check-out line and Robert gave the man standing there his money then grabbed our food and led me over to a table and sat me down, handing me my food. After a few minutes of eating, he stopped abruptly. “We need to talk, Katelyn.”
“I know,” I replied in a hushed voice.
“First of all, what in the world was going through your mind that made you get into a fight with your sister anyway?”
“I don’t know. I’ve just been really moody today and I guess you’re right. Drinking all that caffeine probably didn’t help. If anything it probably made it worse.”
“Yeah, Katelyn, you’re right. It did make it worse. It’s okay to drink a couple of caffeine drinks a day at most but after that, I don’t want you drinking anymore; especially after what happened today.”
“I’m sorry.” I said.
“I know you are.” He paused. “I’m really disappointed in you, Katelyn. I wouldn’t expect something like this out of you. Out of Jessica, yes. She’s gotten into fights before. I’ve been called to school before for stuff like this but not for you. This isn’t like you at all, Kate. It makes me wonder if anything’s going on that I should know about.”
Well, other than the fact that since the end of school I’d been way more moody and had constant mood swings every day, feeling several emotions in the span of just 24 hours and the fact that I hadn’t seen Melissa since school had gotten out and the fact that I was pretty depressed about not having anything to do anymore, despite my love of freedom; everything was fine. I thought it was anyway. “There’s nothing going on.” I said.
“I really don’t think that’s true, Katelyn Rose. And you know why I don’t think that’s true?” he asked then answered his own question, “Because you’ve been acting very differently since school’s been out and because you’ve been off almost the entire year anyway and because you’re more guarded than you’ve ever been. You don’t talk to me about stuff anymore. It’s like you keep everything to yourself. On top of it all, I’ve noticed you’ve been very emotional lately. There has to be something wrong.”
“There’s not.” I said. “Not that I know of.”
He completely ignored that statement. “Is it because school’s out now and you have no sort of structure? Is it because you haven’t seen Melissa in two weeks and you miss her? What is it?”
“For the last time, Robert: if anything’s wrong, I don’t know what it is.”
He shook his head at me, “There is something wrong. I believe that you may not be aware what it is but something is definitely not right.”
“No there’s not,” I muttered.
“Katelyn, I am not going to argue with you about it, ok?” He paused as though he expected some sort of response but I didn’t give him one so he continued on. “It’s already been a hard enough day without that added on.”
“I’m sorry,” I murmured.
“It’s fine,” he replied. Okay, so I wasn’t expecting so few words out of his mouth and I definitely wasn’t expecting them to be said so nonchalantly. Normally, he would have said something a little more comforting, something that made me feel less horrible inside. I guess he wasn’t up for the challenge. Truth be told, that kind of sucked.
There were a few moments of silence before he broke it, “Katelyn, honestly, I need to know what’s going on.”
“Robert, I told you, I don’t know what’s going on.”
He dropped the chicken he was holding and put his head in his hands, shaking his head back and forth and moving his legs up and down. He was shaking all over and I could tell he was about to cry. I was right because not a moment too soon, I could hear a tear slip off his cheek and drop down onto the table.
“Robert…” I began.
He held up a hand to stop me from speaking and began to speak in barely audible words. “Katelyn, don’t bother. Nothing you say is going to make it better.”
“But,”
“You think this is easy for me, don’t you?”
“I…”
“Let me tell you something, Katelyn,” he began, looking me in the eyes with tears in his own, “It isn’t easy.”
“But I…” But he cut me off again.
“You might think that it’s a walk in the park for me to raise you and Jessica but it’s not. It would be different if mom and dad hadn’t died so young and I was older or if they just weren’t good parents and I needed to take care of the two of you because of that. It would be different if the two of you didn’t have so many emotional issues yourself because of it. It would be different if I had already had a kid of my own and knew how to raise teenage girls. But none of that is true, is it?”
“Robert, I… I…”
“Katelyn, don’t interrupt me.” I was puzzled about that. How had I interrupted him?
“Instead I spend hours every day worrying about you guys. Instead I’m up at night worrying that you’ve done something to hurt yourself somehow again or that Jessica has beat some poor defenseless kid up or isn’t doing her homework and getting bad grades so that she’ll never get anywhere in life. Instead I’m spending more time thinking about the two of you and if you’ll be alright rather than worrying about my patients who are in critical need while I’m at work. Instead of spending some of my free time with Daniel or just having fun watching t.v. or playing board games with you and Jessica, I end up having to make sure neither of you does something stupid again by punishing you. You think all of this is easy for me, Katelyn, don’t you? Well, you’re wrong.”
Wow, way to make me feel guilty, Robert. Thanks for that.
“I’m not going to stand by and watch either of you get worse. And I’m not going to wait for some miracle to come that makes everything so much better.”
“So what do you propose then?” I asked.
“I don’t know, Katelyn, why don’t you tell me? Why don’t you start telling me what’s wrong and maybe helping me out a little bit? Maybe if you told me what was wrong every once in awhile instead of holding it all in, it would help things.”
“Robert, how many times do I have to tell you that I don’t know what’s wrong right now?”
“Katelyn, maybe you don’t know what exactly is wrong but you could try being a little more open about your life in general because I’m betting it’s a ton of stuff built up that’s making you act like this.”
“Whatever, Robert.”
“Don’t whatever me, young lady.”
“Okay, Robert, I’m sorry.”
He sighed heavily, “Let’s talk about this later when we get home, Katelyn. I don’t think we’ll get it resolved here and I don’t think we’re getting anywhere right now anyway.” He paused. “Are you finished with your food? At least for now? We can take it with us.”
“Yeah,” I whispered sadly, closing my food container, “I’m done.”
“Okay,” he said as he stood up. “Let’s go.”
“Okay,” I replied, sighing and following him silently out of the cafeteria and to my sister’s hospital room. Still, his words echoed in my head, stinging me over and over again: You think all of this is easy for me, Katelyn, don’t you? Well, you’re wrong.
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I sat beside my twin sister in a chair next to her hospital bed. Robert and Daniel were standing on the other side, looking down at her with worried looks. They were making me feel more and more guilty with each second passing by. I felt like shooting myself. I swear, if I made one more giant mistake like this again, it was definitely going to put me over the edge and it probably wouldn’t be too good for the physical well-being of my backside either.
I was quickly brought out of my thoughts when Robert spoke.
“How are you feeling, Jess?” he asked my sister.
She looked up at him pathetically and half smiled. “I’m feeling a bit better,” she said.
“Good.”
I felt like Robert was speaking in a little too much of a blah tone of voice at the moment. It was beginning to get annoying. Although, I suppose he was drained from being here for so long and from everything that had happened. We’d been here since about 1:15 p.m. and it was now 11:01 p.m. I’m sure though, that nothing was going to take away from his anger at me and his disappointment with what I had done. Yeah, I’d hurt myself before. Sure, I’d done stupid stuff before but never had I gone this far and with my own sister! With every second passing by I felt worse and worse. I didn’t even need the looks Daniel and Robert were giving me. I felt bad enough on my own from my own conscience. That’s what I get for being so goddamn moral. Fuck my conscience. Fuck my life. Fuck me. I’m a horrible person.
“Did you get something to eat for dinner, Jessica?” Daniel asked.
“Yeah, they brought me dinner around 7 or 8ish.”
“Are you still hungry?”
“Nah, I’m fine.”
“Okay, well, if you get hungry, Jess, let us know. Okay?”
She slightly smiled up at him again and gave him a thumbs up sign with her left hand. “Sure thing,” she replied.
“Jessica, I…” I began but Robert shot me a glare as if to say ‘don’t talk to her’. It made my stomach churn.
Daniel touched his arm slightly. “Honey,” he began, “Maybe we should leave Jessica and Katelyn alone for now so they can have some time to talk, hmm?
“But Katelyn can’t…”
Daniel put a soothing hand on my brother’s back. “Hon, I think it would be best if we gave them this time to themselves. They need to sort things out.”
He sighed, “I suppose you’re right but Katelyn,”
“Yeah?”
“Don’t do anything stupid. And Jessica, the same goes for you. Play nice, girls.”
“Okay,” we replied simultaneously.
“Come on, Robert, let’s go.” Daniel gently pushed my brother out of the room with him. He was looking over his shoulder the entire way, as though he didn’t really want to leave, which was probably the truth.
There was silence for a few seconds before I said, “I’m sorry, Jessica. Really, you have no idea how sorry I am.”
“No, I think I do, Kate. And I’m sorry too, for everything that’s happened between us since mom and dad died. We used to be so close. I don’t get it. What happened?”
“I don’t know. It’s like after that happened we both responded in different ways. I lost myself in school and homework and you began to retaliate against everything and I guess we just grew apart. But still, it shouldn’t have happened.”
“No, we should still be close.” She laughed slightly, “We really aren’t the typical twins anymore, are we?”
I chuckled at that statement. “No,” I replied, “I guess not.”
There was another pause in the conversation before Jessica spoke. “Katelyn, I don’t want to fight like this anymore. I don’t want to grow apart anymore. I just want my sister back. I just want our relationship to be the way it used to be.”
“Me too,” I replied.
“Why did you hurt me today like you did anyway? Just out of curiosity. It’s so against your nature.”
“Honestly, Jessica, I don’t know. I’ve just been so moody lately. I guess it’s everything built up. I’ve been hiding pretty much everything from Robert and now that school’s out, I have nothing to escape to. And I haven’t talked to Melissa since school’s been out so I have even less of an escape. I’m just stuck in the house all day with nothing to do. There’s no homework to do, no tests to study for, no projects to complete and that’s hard for me. I know that’s weird to think. What kid loves school, right? But for me, it was the only way I could deal with mom and dad being gone. I guess the caffeine didn’t help though. I’d already had 3 caffeine drinks that day and one of them was coffee… so that didn’t help. “
She nodded, “I get it. We just deal with stuff in different ways, Katelyn. You’re passive aggressive. I’m just aggressive.” She laughed again.
“I know, right.”
“Look, I’m not letting this change how I think of you, Katelyn. I’m sure I’ll end up doing it to you at some point too anyway so I’ll get you back.” She winked at me. “But seriously, I’ve fought a million times so it’s not like you’ve done anything different than I would’ve done. Granted, I’ve never done it to you but whatever. I still love you, despite our differences.”
I blinked and paused before saying, “I totally wasn’t expecting that, you know.”
She smiled at me, “I know. That’s what’s so sad about it.”
It was at that moment that everything in my world came to a pause and I looked at my sister as though I had never even known her and this was my the first time I had ever laid eyes upon her. Suddenly, all these thoughts were spilling into my mind, swirling around like the last few cheerios in a cereal bowl of milk. And I started thinking, about mom and dad, about growing up and the way things used to be, about our relationship and how we weren’t just sisters but best friends. And I started wondering why things couldn’t still be that way. Why couldn’t she still be my best friend? Why couldn’t Robert be our brother again instead of our authority figure? Why couldn’t mom and dad still be alive? Why couldn’t we spend our summer hiking in the woods together or playing hopscotch on the sidewalk or shooting hoops? What had happened to my sister? What had happened to me? And it was in that moment that tears came to my eyes. It was in that moment that I began crying and held my head in my hands, trying to hide the tears from the only sister I’d ever have.
“I’m sorry, Jessica,” I whispered in sobs. “I’m so sorry.”
She seemed appalled by this reaction and it was clearly expressed through the words she said following my outburst of tears. “Katelyn, dude, I didn’t mean to make you cry.”
“It’s not you,” I told her. “It’s not you at all.”
“Then what is it?”
“It’s me. It’s everything. It’s mom and dad being gone and it’s Robert being our guardian instead of our brother. It’s the fact that things changed when I didn’t want them to. It’s the fact that I have no control over anything in my life anymore. It’s us not being best friends anymore and being like arch enemies instead.” I paused and looked up at her, tears still in my eyes. “Jessica, everything’s changed and I don’t want it to be different. I want things to be the way they used to be. I don’t want to fight with you anymore. I want my sister and the old me back. I want Robert to be our older brother instead of our guardian. I want to taste mom’s food again and put my arms around dad’s neck and smell his old spice cologne.” At this I broke out into sobs. “I don’t think I can handle this anymore, Jessica. I just don’t think I can.”
“Come here, Kate.” I shook my head. “Yes,” she told me opening up her arms for me, “Come here. You need a hug.”
I went over to her and sat on the bed and laid on her chest, wrapping my arms around her while still being careful of her wrist and everything. She put her arms around me and rubbed my back with her perfectly fine left hand. “Look,” she began, “I know we fight a lot and I know things haven’t been at all the same since mom and dad died. And trust me, I want it to change too so I totally think we should work on it. But I really love you tons, Kate. You’re the only sister I have and the only sister I’ll ever have. I’m kind of obligated to care about you.” I laughed slightly at that statement. “Oh and the fighting thing, it’s built up anger from that 9 months of you kicking me constantly. I’m still pissed off about that.”
“Hey!” I half screamed at her in a sort of offended voice. Still, I laughed anyways.
“I’m just teasing.”
“I know.” I replied. There were a few minutes of silence next before I broke it. “So are we ok now?” I asked her.
“Yeah, we’re cool. I’ll just have to pay you back at some point.”
“You know that means you’ll probably just get from Robert or Daniel what I’m probably getting tonight or tomorrow, right?”
“Eh, whatevs. It’s all good.”
I laughed. “Okay then, Miss I want to get everyone back.”
She grinned widely. “That’s me!”
I stared at her and shook my head, smiling. There was a moment of silence as we looked at each other and then we both erupted in loud laughter. After a few moments, we heard a knock on the door. Jessica managed to shout out, “Come in,” as she drew in a deep breath and then broke out into insane laughter again.
I looked up and saw Daniel and Robert walk in, surprised looks on their faces, smiles slowly spreading from cheekbone to cheekbone. “I see that you guys made up,” Daniel spoke.
I laughed, “Yeah, we did. Right, Jess?”
“Yep!” She grinned like the Cheshire Cat.
“I’m glad to hear that,” Daniel replied, smiling pleasantly.
“Jessica, the doctor said you could go home tonight. In fact, you were actually just officially released. We just have to sign you out and get you off all these machines and we can go,” Robert told my sister, smiling a little more than I had expected him to.
“Really?” Jessica asked in an excited voice.
“Really,” Robert replied, enthused. At the moment he said that, the nurse and doctor came in, smiles on their faces.
“Well, Jessica, you don’t have anything too severe. Just a broken wrist and a concussion and obviously some bruises here and there. I already talked to your brother about it and he does know how to take care of things, as he is a doctor. Now you’re going to have to be very careful with your wrist, okay? You can’t do anything extensive at all and it would be best if you would just use your left hand for most things.”
“Yeah, I know, Robert told me everything,” Jessica told her.
“Okay, well, you’re free to go as soon as the nurse gets you unhooked and everything, okay?” the doctor said with a smile.
“Okay,” my sister said in response.
“And don’t get into any more fights you two.” She winked at us.
“Thank you, Dr. O’Brien,” our brother told her gratefully, calling after her.
“You’re welcome. Have a good night guys.”
We all said bye together and within seconds of the doctor leaving, we were heading out the door and on our way home. Well, Robert and I were on our way home. Daniel was taking Jessica somewhere else. I think it was to get something to eat. She apparently became suddenly ravenous after that conversation she and I had. Odd. I think it had more to do with the fact that Robert wanted to deal with me alone, without interference from anyone else.
We drove in silence for a few minutes before Robert said, “I don’t hate you, Katelyn. I’m just disappointed and surprised in your behavior.”
“Okay,” I replied, shocked at that statement he made.
“I just know that I haven’t been acting so kindly towards you these past few hours and I’m sorry. I wanted to make sure you know I don’t hate you.”
“I know.”
“Good.”
We remained silent for the rest of the ride until we pulled into the driveway.
Robert took in a deep breath then let it out and looked over at me. He reached out to me to grab my hand and squeezed it, probably trying to comfort me. “You know I have a soft spot for you, kiddo, but I can’t let this go unpunished.”
“I know,” I mumbled sadly.
“Come on, let’s get this over with.”
I sighed, succumbing to defeat. There’s no way I would get out of this after what I had done.
We walked up to the front door together, his hand behind my back, guiding me, as if he was afraid I would run off. I wondered in that moment how Robert had gotten to being so protective over me and my twin sister. I didn’t have long to wonder though, before we got to the front door and he was unlocking it. I hesitated for a moment before my brother spoke.
“We’re going to my room this time.” He grabbed my hand gently. “Come on,” he said.
I followed him up the stairs and through his bedroom door. He motioned for me to take a seat on his bed.
“I think you already understand the severity of your actions. Am I right?”
I nodded, “Yes.”
He took a seat beside me and took my hand in his. “Katelyn, I shouldn’t have to do this so often. You are a smart and good girl and you know what’s right and wrong. Why do we have to keep repeating this?”
I shrugged, “I don’t know.”
“I know things have been hard for you since mom and dad died and I know that being out of school has been hard for you because you lost your only escape but you can’t let your emotions get the best of you. Something worse could have happened to Jessica. You’re lucky she didn’t get hurt worse than she did.”
“I’m sorry.” I hung my head, almost ready to let the tears I’d been holding inside of myself for so long to fall, but they wouldn’t.
“I know you are.” He paused. “How can I help, Katelyn?”
I shook my head silently then choked out the words, “I don’t know.”
“I’m here for you… to talk to, to listen and to guide you, even just to help you forget about things or help you with schoolwork. You know that, don’t you?”
I nodded.
“Katelyn, I’m not going to give up on you but I don’t want to keep repeating this procedure in the future. This is a ridiculous amount of times in one year to get spanked.” I cringed at the word. “But I’m not going to just let things slide either. If you mess up and do things like you have before, I won’t hesitate to punish you. But I want to do that as little as possible. Do you understand me?” he looked me sternly in the eyes. “Katelyn, look at me.”
I looked up at him, “Yes, sir,” I said. It felt like it was the appropriate response.
“Good.” He paused before continuing. “I want you to know that I love you, Katelyn, and nothing could stop me from loving you. That’s why I’m about to do what I’m going to do, alright?”
“Alright.”
He stood up and went to his closet, opened the doors and pulled out a box, the pulled some sort of wooden object out of it. My eyes grew wide with fear.
“Robert, what is that?” I recognized it. It looked like the old paddle my parents used to use on all three of us.
“I was hoping I wouldn’t have to use this any time soon, if ever, but I think it would be the most appropriate thing to use for this instance.”
“Robert, can’t you please just use your hand? Please?”
“After what you did? You’ve got to be kidding me. Katelyn, you’re lucky that this is all I’m using after that fiasco. If I didn’t feel that you had already partially learned your lesson then I’d be using the belt too.”
“But, but…” I couldn’t think of a good enough argument.
“No buts about it.” He sat down beside me. “Over my knee, young lady.”
“But Robert,” I whined.
“Katelyn, don’t make me tell you again or I WILL use the belt too.”
“Okay,” I replied, pouting, just grateful that he hadn’t pulled down my pants. That was before I realized I was wearing sweat pants, which were easy enough to pull down on their own. Soon enough Robert was pulling my pants down and resting his hand on my bottom. I wanted to fidget but didn’t. I knew it wouldn’t go over well with Robert and I didn’t want to fight anymore. I was too afraid he would use the belt if I made any wrong moves.
“Do you have anything else to say before we get started, Katelyn Rose?”
“I’m sorry”
“I know,” he whispered sadly. “So am I.”
With that he lifted his hand and started smacking me mildly. It wasn’t so bad since I still had my panties on and they were only mild smacks, but it was enough to get me to yelp occasionally and whine a little bit. That is, until he started smacking harder and harder and harder still. Then I was screaming. He was smacking fast AND hard and I imagined that my bottom was at least a bright pink by this point.
“Robeeerrrtt!!! Please stop! I’ll be good! I promise!”
“I know you will be,” he said but he didn’t stop and the intensity of his smacks didn’t change in the slightest.
He kept spanking me like that for a minute or two longer before he pulled down my panties and started smacking me with his hand again. I protested, “Robert, anything but on the bare! PLEASE!!!”
“Katelyn Rose Parker, if you expected anything but on the bare then you are sadly mistaken.”
“Robert! Please put my panties back up!”
“Katelyn Rose Parker, you are being spanked on the bare and that is final.” He added with two hard smacks to each of my thighs.
“But…” I screamed only to be answered with another searing smack to my right thigh and then one more to my left thigh.
He ended with two more smacks to each of my sit spots then paused momentarily to pick up the paddle.
“I want you to think about what you did and how it was wrong and how you are never going to do it again while I am spanking you with this paddle, Katelyn Rose. Do you understand me?” he added with a smack of the paddle.
“Yes, sir!” I screamed.
With that he began spanking me very hard. First two smacks on my right thigh, then two smacks on my left. Then two smacks on my left sit spot and then two smacks on my right sit spot. Then he would lay down two more very hard smacks to each of my cheeks. Even though I’d been spanked with more than just one implement before, I swear to God this is the hardest spanking I had ever gotten up to that point. He kept hitting me and hitting me and before I knew it I was crying, sobbing in fact. I didn’t even realize he had finished when he did, I was crying so hard.
“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.” I sobbed. “I didn’t mean to do it. I didn’t mean to hurt her.” I curled my arms underneath me and shrank up, my body hesitating and trembling as he began to rub my back. “I’m sorry, Robert. I’m sorry.”
“Shh, it’s okay, honey. I’m done.”
“Don’t touch me, Robert,” I sobbed. “Stop touching me.” I didn’t even know where that came from. It just seemed to spill out of my mouth.
“What?” he sounded shocked.
“Let me go. Just let me go.” I didn’t even know what I was saying. I must have been overcome by grief at that point.
“Katelyn, what’s wrong? You’re scaring me.” He pulled up my panties and lifted me up, trying to sit me on his lap but I wouldn’t comply.
I continued sobbing. “I’m a horrible person for doing this. Just let go of me. Just let go.” With that I ran out of his room and into the bathroom next to Jessica’s and my room and locked the door behind me. I felt overcome by a sudden physical weakness and a need to cut. I grabbed the razor as I heard Robert standing outside the door, knocking.
“Katelyn,” he began knocking. “Katelyn, open up this door.”
I didn’t answer him. I just grabbed the razor and started cutting anywhere I could, up and down my arms, on my legs, everywhere. It felt so good. The pain was overtaking me. Finally I was setting it all free: all these horrible emotions, my parents’ death, Jessica and my fight and our current horrible relationship. I was just letting it all go. Before I knew it I had started cutting my wrist.
The last thing I heard before everything went black was the door opening and Robert’s voice saying, “Oh my God. What have I done?”
End of Part I
To be continued…
**Self-injury themes presented in the latter parts of this story. Not suitable for those who may get triggered or offended by such material.**
Never Again Part I
by Mackenzie
It was summer and school had been out for a couple of weeks. I’d successfully finished the year with all A’s. Despite that close encounter with the B-, I made it out with nearly perfect grades. Things were looking up with Jessica too. After that whole thing with the school and unwarranted searches, we’d been getting along better than ever. It was awesome. I felt like I had my sister back, almost. But anyways, to move on with the story: it was summer, which naturally meant do nothing, eat and drink what you want when you want, stay up late and break rules. Well, I did everything except for the first and last ones. Haha, that’s probably what got me into trouble. So scratch the not breaking rules. I did that one too. Oh and the doing nothing, I probably actually did that one as well. So I did all four. Haha, just don’t listen to me. It’s something you should have learned by now.
So it had been exactly two weeks and one day since school had been let out, a Saturday. It was sometime in the early afternoon and I was downstairs in the kitchen, getting a mountain dew, for like the fourth or fifth time. Which honestly, was pretty ridiculous, since it was only 12:41 and it was already my fourth caffeinated drink. And Robert called me out on it.
“Katelyn,” he said. “How many of those have you had?”
“This is only my second.” I blatantly lied.
“Uh huh,” he replied, turning the page of the newspaper he was reading, “And I’m not a doctor. Put it back, Katelyn.”
“But Robert,” I whined.
“Katelyn, put it back now. I’m not going to ask you again.” He said sternly.
“But it really is only my second.”
“You’re about as good at lying as I am at drawing.” He looked at me. “Now put it back. You’ve had enough caffeine for the day. You don’t need more.”
I gave an exasperated sigh, “Fine. It’s not like I wanted it anyway.”
“Watch the attitude, Kate.”
I rolled my eyes and muttered to myself, “Whatever.” Then I stormed off and went to my room, slamming the door behind me. Jessica looked up from the magazine she was reading, a questioning look on her face. “I hate Robert.” I said as I plopped backwards onto my bed.
“That’s a first,” she replied. “I see you finally joined the dark side.”
I sighed.
“Why exactly do you hate Robert again?”
“He yelled at me for grabbing a soda.” She looked at me strangely as I paused. “I know, I know, right? It’s childish and stupid, but don’t I get to be like that for once?” She blinked at me nonchantantly. I gave an exasperated, moaning sigh and screamed into my pillow. “Just shut up, Jessica.”
“I didn’t say anything. I was just si-“
“Shut up!”
“Ok, geeze,” she said, offended, “No need to be a bitch about it.”
“Don’t call me a fucking bitch!” I screamed.
“Then don’t be one!” Jessica screamed back.
I glared at her, “Fuck you!”
“Fuck you right back!”
“Jessica, I swear to God...”
“You swear to God what?”
“I will fucking hit you if you don’t shut the fuck up!”
“Go right on ahead then! See if I care!” She screamed in a sarcastic tone of voice.
“Fine!” I roared as I ran across the room and literally attacked her, tackling her to the ground. “I will!” I screamed as I pulled at her hair and kicked her. She was kicking and punching me right back.
That was when I heard knocking on the door and shouting from the other side. “Jessica Lynne, Katelyn Rose, you’d better open this door right now if you know what’s good for you!” But I didn’t listen, I just kept punching and kicking her, that is, until the door swung open and I felt my brother’s strong arms lift me up and pull me away from my sister. But he wasn’t gentle about it at all. In fact he pushed me away from her into a corner. “Katelyn Rose, you stay right there, and I mean it!” he said, as he went over to tend to my sister. It wasn’t until he had pushed me there that I had seen the damage done. Blood was streaming from Jessica’s head and nose all the way down. Her left eye was swollen and black and she was breathing heavily. I started sobbing. Had I really done that?
Robert looked at Jessica, then looked at me in disbelief, glaring at me. “Katelyn Rose Parker, I cannot believe you. We’re going to have a long talk about this after I take care of your sister.” I couldn’t believe me either. It wasn’t in my nature to do such a thing. I stared down at my hands; there was blood on them. And that’s when I really broke and fell down to the floor, burying my face in my arms. How could I do that? I didn’t even know I was capable of it.
From across the room I could hear Robert talking to Jessica, but she didn’t answer. “Calm down, Jess. It’s ok. You’re gonnna be ok, I promise.” I lifted my face from my arms, seeing Robert cradling Jessica in his arms and rubbing her back. She was still bleeding. Her eye was more swollen than before. Robert lifted her up, carrying her to the open door. “Katelyn, come with us.” I didn’t say or do anything. I just sat there until he said, “NOW.” Then I got up. “You’re coming with us to the ER and you can explain what happened to them there. I’m not doing it.” I started to speak but he stopped me. “No buts about it. You did this to her. You can explain to them why and how.” I dropped my head down, letting more tears fall. How could I be so mean? “Follow me,” he said, rushing down the stairs and into the kitchen to grab his keys, then out the door. We ran to the car and got in as he unlocked the doors. “In the back, Katelyn,” he told me as he gently placed Jessica in the front seat and buckled her seatbelt, and then raced over to his side, turning the keys in the ignition and pulling out of the driveway as quickly as he could legally. Once we were on the main road, he threw his phone back to me and ordered me to call Daniel.
I dialed the number quickly, punching with force, tears still rolling down my face. It took only three rings before Daniel picked up the phone, “Hey, honey, what’s up?” he answered.
“It’s Katelyn.” I replied, sobbing, barely getting the words up.
“Whoa, hon, calm down… what’s wrong?”
“I… I… Jessica…” I just broke down sobbing.
“Just breathe, Kate. Just breathe.”
“Can you please just come to the hospital?” I cried, managing to get at least that much out.
“Why? What’s wrong?”
“Jessica… I… I…” I broke down sobbing again.
“Oh for God sakes,” Robert yelled, “Just hand me the damn phone!” That got me crying even more. Robert NEVER spoke to me like that. But, I handed him the phone anyway, not wanting to make things worse than they already were.
“Daniel, you need to come to the hospital as soon as you can.” He paused. “Why? Because Katelyn literally beat up Jessica, that’s why. And she’s hurt really badly… yes, I know… well, it doesn’t matter. It’s over with, it’s done. Now we have to get Jess to the hospital as fast as we can. I think her arm might be broken and she might need stitches, hell, I don’t even know if she’s conscious or not… hon, I can’t talk anymore. Just meet us there as fast as you can. Okay, love you, bye.” He hung up the phone. “Katelyn, words cannot describe how disappointed I am in you right now.” Robert said.
“I’m sorry,” I cried out through my tears.
“Not as sorry as you’ll be after I’m through with you.” He stated as we pulled into the ER parking lot and into a space. The moment he said that, all I wanted to do was curl up in a ball and cry. I’d never seen him so angry before… ever. “Get out of the car, Katelyn.” Robert ordered, slamming his own door behind him and rushing to get my possibly unconscious sister out of her seat. She hadn’t said a word the entire ride and she hadn’t cried. There wasn’t a noise coming out of her other than heavy breathing. This was awful. What had I done? I did as my brother said, closing my own door behind me and rushing with him through the ER doors.
Everything that happened within the next hour was a complete and total blur. I remember Robert yelling for somebody to help us and I remember watching them rush Jessica into a room and hooking up IVs and stuff to her body as Robert followed. I remember sitting down and talking with one of the nurses and explaining to them what happened or trying to but crying hysterically instead. And I remember sitting in the waiting room afterwards, my sobs still not dying down. And then I remember Daniel coming and sitting there with me, trying to comfort me. But the details of that hour are completely lost in my mind.
It wasn’t until a few hours after we had first gotten there that Robert came out into the waiting room. By now, my sobs had died down and I had remembered to be hungry but I didn’t dare ask for food given the circumstances. Daniel was still sitting with me. We hadn’t spoken since those first few minutes he was here but now, Daniel was ready to ask a ton of questions and started in on Robert immediately.
“Is she alright?” he asked.
There was a pause in between Daniel’s question and Robert’s response. I expected to hear the worst but only heard him sigh and say, “She’ll be okay.”
Daniel breathed a sigh of relief. “Thank God,” he said, then paused and said “What’d they say?”
I’m going to put what Robert said next in layman’s terms because he decided to go all doctor on us and say a ton of stuff that didn’t make sense. Of course, Daniel understood ‘cause he took all the classes in high school he needed to in order to become a doctor but besides that, he’d been married to Robert for two years and been dating him for even longer so he was used to it by now. “Well, her arm wasn’t broken like I thought it might be but her wrist, you know, the fractured one, is broken now and a few blood vessels in her nose broke, so she had some severe bleeding there. She had to have stitches on her forehead and she had a concussion. She was knocked out for a little bit, but she’s awake now. And she remembers pretty much everything but the fight, so it’s ok.”
Daniel seemed flabbergasted at the news, despite the fact that I’m sure he expected way worse than what he had heard, “Well, at least she’s going to be okay.” He paused. “How long ‘til she can leave the hospital?”
Exasperated, Robert sighed, sitting down on the other side of Daniel, of course. “Who knows? A few hours, a day, maybe more; she just has to be stabilized and have everything taken care of. But it should be a quick fix from what I could tell. It’s just that concussion that we’ll really have to watch out for, along with her wrist.” He paused, eyeing Daniel. “No matter how much she begs don’t let her play softball or doing anything that requires use of her right wrist; well, anything extensive. Simple things are fine.”
“Sure thing, hon. I’ll be just as careful as you about it.”
He breathed in a sigh of relief, “Good.” Pausing, he spoke again, staring out into the distance blankly. “I’m really worried.”
I loved how he was completely ignoring me, but I guess I kinda deserved it, even if I hated it. Robert had never treated me like this in my life. I guess I’d really screwed up this time. I didn’t like it… at all.
Daniel reached over to his husband, grabbing a hand. “She’ll be alright.”
“I know but, I don’t like this.” I knew he wanted to elaborate on that. I knew he wanted to complete the sentence with something like: I would never expect something like this out of Katelyn; but I knew he wouldn’t, because I was sitting right there.
“I know.” Daniel sighed just like Robert had a million times already, rubbing Robert’s hand with his thumb.
We sat there in silence for a few moments before Robert finally decided to speak again, this time to me. “Are you hungry, Katelyn?” he asked. I was so shocked I didn’t say anything for a bit so he asked me again, “Katelyn? Are you hungry?”
This time I spoke, “Yeah,” I answered, “Kind of.”
He stood up then and reached out a hand towards me, “Come on then, let’s go to the cafeteria to get you something to eat.” I grabbed his hand and stood up. Clearly he hadn’t forgotten about my irregular, messed up eating habits. I guess that was comforting. At least I knew he still cared enough to make sure I didn’t starve myself again. “Daniel?” Robert said in a questioning tone.
“Yeah, hon?” Daniel replied.
“If you want to see Jess, she’s in room 316. It’s down the hall to the left. I’m sure she’d appreciate seeing you. She loves you a lot.”
He chuckled slightly at that. “I know she does. Don’t worry, I’ll be sure to go see her. Thank you.”
“You’re welcome, Dan.” Then to me, “Come on, Kate, let’s go.” He grabbed my hand like I was a small child as if he were afraid of losing me or me running off. I didn’t dare let go of it for fear that he’d retaliate against the movement. As he led me to the cafeteria, I couldn’t help but think about Jessica and how she was and what I had done to her. I felt awful and I knew Robert wouldn’t let it slide. Dammit, how did I end up screwing up so often? Maybe Jessica was the better kid.
After about 5 minutes of walking through hallways and riding in elevators, we arrived in the cafeteria on the first floor. Robert finally let go of my hand and ushered me into the line. “What do you want, Kate?” he asked.
“It doesn’t matter.” I answered, really not caring as long as I got something into my system.
“Just tell me what you want and I’ll get it,” he told me in an exasperated tone.
“I guess I’ll just have some chicken nuggets and fries then.” I replied.
“Okay, I think I’m going to have the same,” he said and then repeated the same thing to the cafeteria lady. She picked them up and put them in a couple of boxes for me and him. “What do you want to drink, Katelyn?”
“Mount—" I began to say.
He shook his head. “No, I already told you once today. No more caffeinated drinks. It’s not good for you. Besides, that’s probably what made you moody enough in the first place to do what you did.”
I pouted, “Okay.”
“What about green tea instead? You like that, don’t you?” I nodded. “Okay,” he said, grabbing two green teas. I think that was one of his favorite drinks.
We walked over to the check-out line and Robert gave the man standing there his money then grabbed our food and led me over to a table and sat me down, handing me my food. After a few minutes of eating, he stopped abruptly. “We need to talk, Katelyn.”
“I know,” I replied in a hushed voice.
“First of all, what in the world was going through your mind that made you get into a fight with your sister anyway?”
“I don’t know. I’ve just been really moody today and I guess you’re right. Drinking all that caffeine probably didn’t help. If anything it probably made it worse.”
“Yeah, Katelyn, you’re right. It did make it worse. It’s okay to drink a couple of caffeine drinks a day at most but after that, I don’t want you drinking anymore; especially after what happened today.”
“I’m sorry.” I said.
“I know you are.” He paused. “I’m really disappointed in you, Katelyn. I wouldn’t expect something like this out of you. Out of Jessica, yes. She’s gotten into fights before. I’ve been called to school before for stuff like this but not for you. This isn’t like you at all, Kate. It makes me wonder if anything’s going on that I should know about.”
Well, other than the fact that since the end of school I’d been way more moody and had constant mood swings every day, feeling several emotions in the span of just 24 hours and the fact that I hadn’t seen Melissa since school had gotten out and the fact that I was pretty depressed about not having anything to do anymore, despite my love of freedom; everything was fine. I thought it was anyway. “There’s nothing going on.” I said.
“I really don’t think that’s true, Katelyn Rose. And you know why I don’t think that’s true?” he asked then answered his own question, “Because you’ve been acting very differently since school’s been out and because you’ve been off almost the entire year anyway and because you’re more guarded than you’ve ever been. You don’t talk to me about stuff anymore. It’s like you keep everything to yourself. On top of it all, I’ve noticed you’ve been very emotional lately. There has to be something wrong.”
“There’s not.” I said. “Not that I know of.”
He completely ignored that statement. “Is it because school’s out now and you have no sort of structure? Is it because you haven’t seen Melissa in two weeks and you miss her? What is it?”
“For the last time, Robert: if anything’s wrong, I don’t know what it is.”
He shook his head at me, “There is something wrong. I believe that you may not be aware what it is but something is definitely not right.”
“No there’s not,” I muttered.
“Katelyn, I am not going to argue with you about it, ok?” He paused as though he expected some sort of response but I didn’t give him one so he continued on. “It’s already been a hard enough day without that added on.”
“I’m sorry,” I murmured.
“It’s fine,” he replied. Okay, so I wasn’t expecting so few words out of his mouth and I definitely wasn’t expecting them to be said so nonchalantly. Normally, he would have said something a little more comforting, something that made me feel less horrible inside. I guess he wasn’t up for the challenge. Truth be told, that kind of sucked.
There were a few moments of silence before he broke it, “Katelyn, honestly, I need to know what’s going on.”
“Robert, I told you, I don’t know what’s going on.”
He dropped the chicken he was holding and put his head in his hands, shaking his head back and forth and moving his legs up and down. He was shaking all over and I could tell he was about to cry. I was right because not a moment too soon, I could hear a tear slip off his cheek and drop down onto the table.
“Robert…” I began.
He held up a hand to stop me from speaking and began to speak in barely audible words. “Katelyn, don’t bother. Nothing you say is going to make it better.”
“But,”
“You think this is easy for me, don’t you?”
“I…”
“Let me tell you something, Katelyn,” he began, looking me in the eyes with tears in his own, “It isn’t easy.”
“But I…” But he cut me off again.
“You might think that it’s a walk in the park for me to raise you and Jessica but it’s not. It would be different if mom and dad hadn’t died so young and I was older or if they just weren’t good parents and I needed to take care of the two of you because of that. It would be different if the two of you didn’t have so many emotional issues yourself because of it. It would be different if I had already had a kid of my own and knew how to raise teenage girls. But none of that is true, is it?”
“Robert, I… I…”
“Katelyn, don’t interrupt me.” I was puzzled about that. How had I interrupted him?
“Instead I spend hours every day worrying about you guys. Instead I’m up at night worrying that you’ve done something to hurt yourself somehow again or that Jessica has beat some poor defenseless kid up or isn’t doing her homework and getting bad grades so that she’ll never get anywhere in life. Instead I’m spending more time thinking about the two of you and if you’ll be alright rather than worrying about my patients who are in critical need while I’m at work. Instead of spending some of my free time with Daniel or just having fun watching t.v. or playing board games with you and Jessica, I end up having to make sure neither of you does something stupid again by punishing you. You think all of this is easy for me, Katelyn, don’t you? Well, you’re wrong.”
Wow, way to make me feel guilty, Robert. Thanks for that.
“I’m not going to stand by and watch either of you get worse. And I’m not going to wait for some miracle to come that makes everything so much better.”
“So what do you propose then?” I asked.
“I don’t know, Katelyn, why don’t you tell me? Why don’t you start telling me what’s wrong and maybe helping me out a little bit? Maybe if you told me what was wrong every once in awhile instead of holding it all in, it would help things.”
“Robert, how many times do I have to tell you that I don’t know what’s wrong right now?”
“Katelyn, maybe you don’t know what exactly is wrong but you could try being a little more open about your life in general because I’m betting it’s a ton of stuff built up that’s making you act like this.”
“Whatever, Robert.”
“Don’t whatever me, young lady.”
“Okay, Robert, I’m sorry.”
He sighed heavily, “Let’s talk about this later when we get home, Katelyn. I don’t think we’ll get it resolved here and I don’t think we’re getting anywhere right now anyway.” He paused. “Are you finished with your food? At least for now? We can take it with us.”
“Yeah,” I whispered sadly, closing my food container, “I’m done.”
“Okay,” he said as he stood up. “Let’s go.”
“Okay,” I replied, sighing and following him silently out of the cafeteria and to my sister’s hospital room. Still, his words echoed in my head, stinging me over and over again: You think all of this is easy for me, Katelyn, don’t you? Well, you’re wrong.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I sat beside my twin sister in a chair next to her hospital bed. Robert and Daniel were standing on the other side, looking down at her with worried looks. They were making me feel more and more guilty with each second passing by. I felt like shooting myself. I swear, if I made one more giant mistake like this again, it was definitely going to put me over the edge and it probably wouldn’t be too good for the physical well-being of my backside either.
I was quickly brought out of my thoughts when Robert spoke.
“How are you feeling, Jess?” he asked my sister.
She looked up at him pathetically and half smiled. “I’m feeling a bit better,” she said.
“Good.”
I felt like Robert was speaking in a little too much of a blah tone of voice at the moment. It was beginning to get annoying. Although, I suppose he was drained from being here for so long and from everything that had happened. We’d been here since about 1:15 p.m. and it was now 11:01 p.m. I’m sure though, that nothing was going to take away from his anger at me and his disappointment with what I had done. Yeah, I’d hurt myself before. Sure, I’d done stupid stuff before but never had I gone this far and with my own sister! With every second passing by I felt worse and worse. I didn’t even need the looks Daniel and Robert were giving me. I felt bad enough on my own from my own conscience. That’s what I get for being so goddamn moral. Fuck my conscience. Fuck my life. Fuck me. I’m a horrible person.
“Did you get something to eat for dinner, Jessica?” Daniel asked.
“Yeah, they brought me dinner around 7 or 8ish.”
“Are you still hungry?”
“Nah, I’m fine.”
“Okay, well, if you get hungry, Jess, let us know. Okay?”
She slightly smiled up at him again and gave him a thumbs up sign with her left hand. “Sure thing,” she replied.
“Jessica, I…” I began but Robert shot me a glare as if to say ‘don’t talk to her’. It made my stomach churn.
Daniel touched his arm slightly. “Honey,” he began, “Maybe we should leave Jessica and Katelyn alone for now so they can have some time to talk, hmm?
“But Katelyn can’t…”
Daniel put a soothing hand on my brother’s back. “Hon, I think it would be best if we gave them this time to themselves. They need to sort things out.”
He sighed, “I suppose you’re right but Katelyn,”
“Yeah?”
“Don’t do anything stupid. And Jessica, the same goes for you. Play nice, girls.”
“Okay,” we replied simultaneously.
“Come on, Robert, let’s go.” Daniel gently pushed my brother out of the room with him. He was looking over his shoulder the entire way, as though he didn’t really want to leave, which was probably the truth.
There was silence for a few seconds before I said, “I’m sorry, Jessica. Really, you have no idea how sorry I am.”
“No, I think I do, Kate. And I’m sorry too, for everything that’s happened between us since mom and dad died. We used to be so close. I don’t get it. What happened?”
“I don’t know. It’s like after that happened we both responded in different ways. I lost myself in school and homework and you began to retaliate against everything and I guess we just grew apart. But still, it shouldn’t have happened.”
“No, we should still be close.” She laughed slightly, “We really aren’t the typical twins anymore, are we?”
I chuckled at that statement. “No,” I replied, “I guess not.”
There was another pause in the conversation before Jessica spoke. “Katelyn, I don’t want to fight like this anymore. I don’t want to grow apart anymore. I just want my sister back. I just want our relationship to be the way it used to be.”
“Me too,” I replied.
“Why did you hurt me today like you did anyway? Just out of curiosity. It’s so against your nature.”
“Honestly, Jessica, I don’t know. I’ve just been so moody lately. I guess it’s everything built up. I’ve been hiding pretty much everything from Robert and now that school’s out, I have nothing to escape to. And I haven’t talked to Melissa since school’s been out so I have even less of an escape. I’m just stuck in the house all day with nothing to do. There’s no homework to do, no tests to study for, no projects to complete and that’s hard for me. I know that’s weird to think. What kid loves school, right? But for me, it was the only way I could deal with mom and dad being gone. I guess the caffeine didn’t help though. I’d already had 3 caffeine drinks that day and one of them was coffee… so that didn’t help. “
She nodded, “I get it. We just deal with stuff in different ways, Katelyn. You’re passive aggressive. I’m just aggressive.” She laughed again.
“I know, right.”
“Look, I’m not letting this change how I think of you, Katelyn. I’m sure I’ll end up doing it to you at some point too anyway so I’ll get you back.” She winked at me. “But seriously, I’ve fought a million times so it’s not like you’ve done anything different than I would’ve done. Granted, I’ve never done it to you but whatever. I still love you, despite our differences.”
I blinked and paused before saying, “I totally wasn’t expecting that, you know.”
She smiled at me, “I know. That’s what’s so sad about it.”
It was at that moment that everything in my world came to a pause and I looked at my sister as though I had never even known her and this was my the first time I had ever laid eyes upon her. Suddenly, all these thoughts were spilling into my mind, swirling around like the last few cheerios in a cereal bowl of milk. And I started thinking, about mom and dad, about growing up and the way things used to be, about our relationship and how we weren’t just sisters but best friends. And I started wondering why things couldn’t still be that way. Why couldn’t she still be my best friend? Why couldn’t Robert be our brother again instead of our authority figure? Why couldn’t mom and dad still be alive? Why couldn’t we spend our summer hiking in the woods together or playing hopscotch on the sidewalk or shooting hoops? What had happened to my sister? What had happened to me? And it was in that moment that tears came to my eyes. It was in that moment that I began crying and held my head in my hands, trying to hide the tears from the only sister I’d ever have.
“I’m sorry, Jessica,” I whispered in sobs. “I’m so sorry.”
She seemed appalled by this reaction and it was clearly expressed through the words she said following my outburst of tears. “Katelyn, dude, I didn’t mean to make you cry.”
“It’s not you,” I told her. “It’s not you at all.”
“Then what is it?”
“It’s me. It’s everything. It’s mom and dad being gone and it’s Robert being our guardian instead of our brother. It’s the fact that things changed when I didn’t want them to. It’s the fact that I have no control over anything in my life anymore. It’s us not being best friends anymore and being like arch enemies instead.” I paused and looked up at her, tears still in my eyes. “Jessica, everything’s changed and I don’t want it to be different. I want things to be the way they used to be. I don’t want to fight with you anymore. I want my sister and the old me back. I want Robert to be our older brother instead of our guardian. I want to taste mom’s food again and put my arms around dad’s neck and smell his old spice cologne.” At this I broke out into sobs. “I don’t think I can handle this anymore, Jessica. I just don’t think I can.”
“Come here, Kate.” I shook my head. “Yes,” she told me opening up her arms for me, “Come here. You need a hug.”
I went over to her and sat on the bed and laid on her chest, wrapping my arms around her while still being careful of her wrist and everything. She put her arms around me and rubbed my back with her perfectly fine left hand. “Look,” she began, “I know we fight a lot and I know things haven’t been at all the same since mom and dad died. And trust me, I want it to change too so I totally think we should work on it. But I really love you tons, Kate. You’re the only sister I have and the only sister I’ll ever have. I’m kind of obligated to care about you.” I laughed slightly at that statement. “Oh and the fighting thing, it’s built up anger from that 9 months of you kicking me constantly. I’m still pissed off about that.”
“Hey!” I half screamed at her in a sort of offended voice. Still, I laughed anyways.
“I’m just teasing.”
“I know.” I replied. There were a few minutes of silence next before I broke it. “So are we ok now?” I asked her.
“Yeah, we’re cool. I’ll just have to pay you back at some point.”
“You know that means you’ll probably just get from Robert or Daniel what I’m probably getting tonight or tomorrow, right?”
“Eh, whatevs. It’s all good.”
I laughed. “Okay then, Miss I want to get everyone back.”
She grinned widely. “That’s me!”
I stared at her and shook my head, smiling. There was a moment of silence as we looked at each other and then we both erupted in loud laughter. After a few moments, we heard a knock on the door. Jessica managed to shout out, “Come in,” as she drew in a deep breath and then broke out into insane laughter again.
I looked up and saw Daniel and Robert walk in, surprised looks on their faces, smiles slowly spreading from cheekbone to cheekbone. “I see that you guys made up,” Daniel spoke.
I laughed, “Yeah, we did. Right, Jess?”
“Yep!” She grinned like the Cheshire Cat.
“I’m glad to hear that,” Daniel replied, smiling pleasantly.
“Jessica, the doctor said you could go home tonight. In fact, you were actually just officially released. We just have to sign you out and get you off all these machines and we can go,” Robert told my sister, smiling a little more than I had expected him to.
“Really?” Jessica asked in an excited voice.
“Really,” Robert replied, enthused. At the moment he said that, the nurse and doctor came in, smiles on their faces.
“Well, Jessica, you don’t have anything too severe. Just a broken wrist and a concussion and obviously some bruises here and there. I already talked to your brother about it and he does know how to take care of things, as he is a doctor. Now you’re going to have to be very careful with your wrist, okay? You can’t do anything extensive at all and it would be best if you would just use your left hand for most things.”
“Yeah, I know, Robert told me everything,” Jessica told her.
“Okay, well, you’re free to go as soon as the nurse gets you unhooked and everything, okay?” the doctor said with a smile.
“Okay,” my sister said in response.
“And don’t get into any more fights you two.” She winked at us.
“Thank you, Dr. O’Brien,” our brother told her gratefully, calling after her.
“You’re welcome. Have a good night guys.”
We all said bye together and within seconds of the doctor leaving, we were heading out the door and on our way home. Well, Robert and I were on our way home. Daniel was taking Jessica somewhere else. I think it was to get something to eat. She apparently became suddenly ravenous after that conversation she and I had. Odd. I think it had more to do with the fact that Robert wanted to deal with me alone, without interference from anyone else.
We drove in silence for a few minutes before Robert said, “I don’t hate you, Katelyn. I’m just disappointed and surprised in your behavior.”
“Okay,” I replied, shocked at that statement he made.
“I just know that I haven’t been acting so kindly towards you these past few hours and I’m sorry. I wanted to make sure you know I don’t hate you.”
“I know.”
“Good.”
We remained silent for the rest of the ride until we pulled into the driveway.
Robert took in a deep breath then let it out and looked over at me. He reached out to me to grab my hand and squeezed it, probably trying to comfort me. “You know I have a soft spot for you, kiddo, but I can’t let this go unpunished.”
“I know,” I mumbled sadly.
“Come on, let’s get this over with.”
I sighed, succumbing to defeat. There’s no way I would get out of this after what I had done.
We walked up to the front door together, his hand behind my back, guiding me, as if he was afraid I would run off. I wondered in that moment how Robert had gotten to being so protective over me and my twin sister. I didn’t have long to wonder though, before we got to the front door and he was unlocking it. I hesitated for a moment before my brother spoke.
“We’re going to my room this time.” He grabbed my hand gently. “Come on,” he said.
I followed him up the stairs and through his bedroom door. He motioned for me to take a seat on his bed.
“I think you already understand the severity of your actions. Am I right?”
I nodded, “Yes.”
He took a seat beside me and took my hand in his. “Katelyn, I shouldn’t have to do this so often. You are a smart and good girl and you know what’s right and wrong. Why do we have to keep repeating this?”
I shrugged, “I don’t know.”
“I know things have been hard for you since mom and dad died and I know that being out of school has been hard for you because you lost your only escape but you can’t let your emotions get the best of you. Something worse could have happened to Jessica. You’re lucky she didn’t get hurt worse than she did.”
“I’m sorry.” I hung my head, almost ready to let the tears I’d been holding inside of myself for so long to fall, but they wouldn’t.
“I know you are.” He paused. “How can I help, Katelyn?”
I shook my head silently then choked out the words, “I don’t know.”
“I’m here for you… to talk to, to listen and to guide you, even just to help you forget about things or help you with schoolwork. You know that, don’t you?”
I nodded.
“Katelyn, I’m not going to give up on you but I don’t want to keep repeating this procedure in the future. This is a ridiculous amount of times in one year to get spanked.” I cringed at the word. “But I’m not going to just let things slide either. If you mess up and do things like you have before, I won’t hesitate to punish you. But I want to do that as little as possible. Do you understand me?” he looked me sternly in the eyes. “Katelyn, look at me.”
I looked up at him, “Yes, sir,” I said. It felt like it was the appropriate response.
“Good.” He paused before continuing. “I want you to know that I love you, Katelyn, and nothing could stop me from loving you. That’s why I’m about to do what I’m going to do, alright?”
“Alright.”
He stood up and went to his closet, opened the doors and pulled out a box, the pulled some sort of wooden object out of it. My eyes grew wide with fear.
“Robert, what is that?” I recognized it. It looked like the old paddle my parents used to use on all three of us.
“I was hoping I wouldn’t have to use this any time soon, if ever, but I think it would be the most appropriate thing to use for this instance.”
“Robert, can’t you please just use your hand? Please?”
“After what you did? You’ve got to be kidding me. Katelyn, you’re lucky that this is all I’m using after that fiasco. If I didn’t feel that you had already partially learned your lesson then I’d be using the belt too.”
“But, but…” I couldn’t think of a good enough argument.
“No buts about it.” He sat down beside me. “Over my knee, young lady.”
“But Robert,” I whined.
“Katelyn, don’t make me tell you again or I WILL use the belt too.”
“Okay,” I replied, pouting, just grateful that he hadn’t pulled down my pants. That was before I realized I was wearing sweat pants, which were easy enough to pull down on their own. Soon enough Robert was pulling my pants down and resting his hand on my bottom. I wanted to fidget but didn’t. I knew it wouldn’t go over well with Robert and I didn’t want to fight anymore. I was too afraid he would use the belt if I made any wrong moves.
“Do you have anything else to say before we get started, Katelyn Rose?”
“I’m sorry”
“I know,” he whispered sadly. “So am I.”
With that he lifted his hand and started smacking me mildly. It wasn’t so bad since I still had my panties on and they were only mild smacks, but it was enough to get me to yelp occasionally and whine a little bit. That is, until he started smacking harder and harder and harder still. Then I was screaming. He was smacking fast AND hard and I imagined that my bottom was at least a bright pink by this point.
“Robeeerrrtt!!! Please stop! I’ll be good! I promise!”
“I know you will be,” he said but he didn’t stop and the intensity of his smacks didn’t change in the slightest.
He kept spanking me like that for a minute or two longer before he pulled down my panties and started smacking me with his hand again. I protested, “Robert, anything but on the bare! PLEASE!!!”
“Katelyn Rose Parker, if you expected anything but on the bare then you are sadly mistaken.”
“Robert! Please put my panties back up!”
“Katelyn Rose Parker, you are being spanked on the bare and that is final.” He added with two hard smacks to each of my thighs.
“But…” I screamed only to be answered with another searing smack to my right thigh and then one more to my left thigh.
He ended with two more smacks to each of my sit spots then paused momentarily to pick up the paddle.
“I want you to think about what you did and how it was wrong and how you are never going to do it again while I am spanking you with this paddle, Katelyn Rose. Do you understand me?” he added with a smack of the paddle.
“Yes, sir!” I screamed.
With that he began spanking me very hard. First two smacks on my right thigh, then two smacks on my left. Then two smacks on my left sit spot and then two smacks on my right sit spot. Then he would lay down two more very hard smacks to each of my cheeks. Even though I’d been spanked with more than just one implement before, I swear to God this is the hardest spanking I had ever gotten up to that point. He kept hitting me and hitting me and before I knew it I was crying, sobbing in fact. I didn’t even realize he had finished when he did, I was crying so hard.
“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.” I sobbed. “I didn’t mean to do it. I didn’t mean to hurt her.” I curled my arms underneath me and shrank up, my body hesitating and trembling as he began to rub my back. “I’m sorry, Robert. I’m sorry.”
“Shh, it’s okay, honey. I’m done.”
“Don’t touch me, Robert,” I sobbed. “Stop touching me.” I didn’t even know where that came from. It just seemed to spill out of my mouth.
“What?” he sounded shocked.
“Let me go. Just let me go.” I didn’t even know what I was saying. I must have been overcome by grief at that point.
“Katelyn, what’s wrong? You’re scaring me.” He pulled up my panties and lifted me up, trying to sit me on his lap but I wouldn’t comply.
I continued sobbing. “I’m a horrible person for doing this. Just let go of me. Just let go.” With that I ran out of his room and into the bathroom next to Jessica’s and my room and locked the door behind me. I felt overcome by a sudden physical weakness and a need to cut. I grabbed the razor as I heard Robert standing outside the door, knocking.
“Katelyn,” he began knocking. “Katelyn, open up this door.”
I didn’t answer him. I just grabbed the razor and started cutting anywhere I could, up and down my arms, on my legs, everywhere. It felt so good. The pain was overtaking me. Finally I was setting it all free: all these horrible emotions, my parents’ death, Jessica and my fight and our current horrible relationship. I was just letting it all go. Before I knew it I had started cutting my wrist.
The last thing I heard before everything went black was the door opening and Robert’s voice saying, “Oh my God. What have I done?”
End of Part I
To be continued…
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