Motivating Molly: Chapter 14

photo by Jeska Wood.  Check out her story & photography site at JeskaWood.com

Happy St. Patrick's Day!!  Molly's favorite holiday :)

SPOILER ALERT!  This is the final chapter of my ebook, Motivating Molly.  I've edited out some specific spoilers, but can't stop them all.

-----------

Molly’s Journal
Saturday 10/11/2008, 11:26pm
Location: skating rink parking lot  Mood: nostalgic
Title: amends

I found this journal today when going through some of my stuff at mom’s house.  It’s crazy reading through some of the old entries, feeling what I felt when all of those things happened.  And then it just came to an abrupt end, without any explanation of what happened afterward. So I guess I should fill you in.

I finished classes a semester early and joined AmeriCorps in NYC, working at a youth homeless shelter and discovering that I had a passion for motivating other teens to get their shit together.  I’m pretty sure that Brian is to thank for that.

I didn’t get into NYU... I was waitlisted and decided to apply to a community college in the meantime.  The shelter hired me part-time as a “peer mentor,” so I was able to afford a room in an apartment with a few of the friends I’d made from my AmeriCorps service.  

We have fall break this week, so I decided to come back.  Not as much to see my “family” as to see Brian... I needed to make amends.  You can’t be a mentor to others if you still feel guilty about something from your past.

I pulled into the skating rink parking lot this afternoon about 2pm.  I figured Brian didn’t work here anymore because the reason he was getting a master’s degree was so he didn’t have to deal with kids and all (he used to always complain about them nonstop!).  So you can imagine my surprise when I saw him walk outside with a woman and a little kid, kissing them both on the cheek before they hopped into a car. He waited until they drove off before turning to go back inside.

It was now or never...

I jumped out of my car and shouted, “Brian!”

He stopped and looked at me, blinking a few times, probably wondering if his eyes were playing tricks on him.  “Molly?”

I think that’s when I started feeling the butterflies in my tummy.  What if he was still legit mad at me for leaving him? He probably felt so betrayed... I’d lied to him about so many things... he had every right to be angry.  

I swallowed the lump in my throat and gave a mini pep talk -- “Even if he’s angry with me, I can deal with it... I’m just a little scared of the consequences.”

Brian walked towards me and I remember feeling relieved that he was smiling.  He even started jogging a bit and when he reached me, tackled me in a big hug.  “I thought I’d never see you again!” He pushed me back a little, taking a good look at me.  “You’ve grown up so much.”

He had no idea.

“Come in, come see the rink!”  Brian was clearly more excited about this meeting than I was -- I’d expected to meet him at his home later, so seeing him here had thrown me off a bit.  I wasn’t ready for the punishment yet!

I grabbed my backpack from the car and followed him inside, amazed to see how much it had changed.  Brian told me that he’d decided to buy out the owner and give it his own style, and it looked to be paying off pretty well.  The design was modern, latest video games and newest light-displays added. What made me laugh the most was a bright neon-colored sign prohibiting drinks out of the concessions area.  Brian explained that they were building onto the rink so they could make a laser tag arena, and that he would soon buy another skating rink in the city to convert his business into a chain.

“Did you notice I took out those damn bleachers?” he asked.

I almost hadn’t noticed, but when he pointed it out I could see the empty space, remembering my hiding spot with Hailey and friends.  Memories.

Brian led me to his office and I sat in front of him, just like 2 years ago, before getting my first spanking.  

“What brings you here?” he wanted to know.

This was when I had to take a few deep breaths.  I’d managed to distract conversation for long enough, asking him questions about his life, his new business, etc.  But now it was time for me to get down to business.

I told Brian about my life lately, my accomplishments and failures, then gently approached the subject of how I left things:  “I’m sorry for leaving so suddenly. I realize now that I didn’t even think about your perspective and questions at the time, just wanted to fix everything I’d already screwed up.”

He shook his head.  “Molly, we all make mistakes.  If you had just talked to me, I could have helped.”

“No... I shouldn’t have even brought you into it in the first place.  The morning that she didn’t pick me up from the skating rink.  When you cared, I should have just agreed with you that she overslept, and caught a ride home.”

“Really, Molly,” he said, giving me an angry-serious look.  “Why couldn’t you have just told me the truth from the beginning?”

“Because you would have turned me into the cops, and don’t try to tell me I’m wrong because I know you would, and I wouldn’t blame you.”

He didn’t say anything.

“And I couldn’t tell you the night I left because then you could have gotten into legal trouble and I couldn’t put you through that, not after all you’d done for me.”

Silence filled the room and I shifted in my chair, thinking about how this conversation was going to end.  Anxiety filled my body.

“I wanted to apologize and make amends and see if you had any unanswered questions and see if maybe we can move on from all of this by you punishing me and now that I have a cell phone we can keep in touch like friends.”  I said it quickly and looking away from him because I was so nervous.

“Whoa, slow down, Molly.  It’s okay, I’m not mad at you, I understand why you did what you did.”

This caught my attention, so I looked back up at him.  “What? You’re not mad?”

“Of course not.  Do you really think I would hold a grudge for 2 years?”  I felt my cheeks flush. “When you left, I felt hurt that you lied to me and that you turned yourself in without saying goodbye to me in person.  I blamed myself for a little while, wondering what I’d done wrong, but eventually, I realized that it had never been about us... your situation was about you and your mom... my situation was about me and my sister.  We were both doing the best that we could at the time.”

I shifted in my seat again.  “I brought something.”

He didn’t say anything, waiting for me to show him, but I was starting to chicken out.  I wished he would make this easier by at least acting like he thought I needed a punishment, but at this point, it looked like I would have to ask him myself.

I remember my heart thumping against my chest when I picked up my green backpack.  I couldn’t think too much, I just had to get this over with. My (hopefully) last spanking from Brian would be in the same place as my first spanking from him, but this time much more intense and severe.

Another lump crept up in my throat and I had to swallow it down as I unzipped my backpack, revealing an allegedly authentic school paddle I’d bought online.  I wasn’t sure whether or not I wanted to look at Brian’s reaction.

“It looks like your misdeeds have been on your mind for quite some time,” he said.

I allowed myself to peek up at him.  He stood, walking to the front of the desk and holding his hand out for the paddle.

Tapping it against his palm, he said, “this will leave you unable to sit for a couple of days, Molly.”

I shivered.  “I know.”

There was a slight smirk on his face.  “Two years ago you would have been crying and pleading for me to not give you a hand spanking, and now you’re here in my office looking all calm even though I have a paddle in my hands.”

“Calm?!  Are you crazy… I am NOT calm…”

Laughing, he said, “Could’ve fooled me.”  But then he got serious. “Molly Riana Collins, are you saying that you deserve a good paddling?”

I squirmed and looked at the floor, muttering, “yes.”

“And what is it exactly that you deserve to be punished for?”

I rattled the list off:  “Lying to you, running off, avoiding you for so long because I thought you’d be mad...”

He nodded, lifting my chin to look him in the eyes.  At this point, I couldn’t hold in my tears anymore and a couple slipped down my cheeks.  “Kiddo, I know you’ve been through a lot in your life, and you’ve turned out a really good kid.”

“Most of that is thanks to you.”

“No, it’s thanks to you... you did all the hard work, I just provided a little incentive.”

I smiled.

“Even so, I agree that you could use a good spanking, even harder than I’ve given you before.”  He grabbed the armless chair and sat down, calling me towards him. Like I was a kid again, he reached for the button of my jeans and then tugged my pants down to my knees.  “There will be two parts to this punishment -- first a hard hand spanking, then a paddling over the desk. Do you understand?”

I nodded, chewing on my lower lip and fidgeting.  I was trying my hardest to take this like a big girl.  I’m 18 now, I can handle a little spanking.

My pep talk was not helpful.  Brian helped me over his lap and when I started staring at the floor, tears flowed from my eyes.

I know that Brian lectured me -- he really loves his lectures! -- but I can’t remember much of what he said… probably about how I shouldn’t lie, and how I should have just told him what was going on in my life, opened up a little more and he would have tried to help.  But I can’t remember because he pulled my panties down and all I could do was wait as his hand rained down on my bottom, harder than I remembered him ever spanking me before.

I’m not gonna lie, it fucking hurt.  I was squirming and kicking and probably after only a few swats, I stopped trying to take the punishment like a big girl.  Somehow Brian got me back in the headspace of my inner 16 year old, and I cried out apologies and promises to behave.  

The first half of the spanking felt like it lasted for hours, and my perspective is so skewed that I can’t even guess how long it actually lasted.  I just know that it HURT… the burning sensation spread across my entire bottom, all the way down to my thighs. I imagined it to be very red and puffy, and I just wanted to rub the sting out.  But Brian didn’t even let me touch my aching posterior.

“Bend over the desk, Molly,” he ordered.  

Now that I looked up at him, I noticed that even he looked older, more mature.  He looked more like a father than I’d ever seen him before... in a good way I mean.  Something about the way he carried himself now, and it told me that I wasn’t the only person who had changed for the better.  Part of me knew that the responsibility of taking care of me had also helped Brian grow into the person he wanted to be.

It was weird that I was thinking all of this when I knew I was about to get paddled like a schoolgirl (yes, they still use a paddle in schools in my hometown, but fortunately I’d never been on the receiving end... until now... sorta).

So my 16-year-old self came out again and instead of doing as I was told, I cried, “Please, Brian.  You don’t really have to use that!”

He held it in his hands, slapping it against his palm with a loud “THWACK!” that made me jump a little.  It’s a huge paddle, and I was starting to regret my decision to buy and bring it with me in the first place.

Brian was still waiting for me to bend over like he’d told me, and he gave me a look that told me it was time to obey.  So I shuffled over to his desk, bending myself over and grasping onto the edge so I wouldn’t be tempted to reach back during the paddling.  I think I was crying and nervous, but I still accepted it. I would be okay with whatever punishment, as long as Brian wasn’t mad at me... I was so grateful that he wasn’t mad at me.

I heard him lift the paddle and braced myself for the first blow, which still took me by surprise.  I’d expected it to hurt, but hadn’t realized the swat would come down with such force. I cried out, ready to beg him to stop, but knowing I deserved more.  I just wasn’t sure how I was going to be able to tolerate it.

Each time the wood plopped down on my bottom, I cried out, gripping tighter onto the edge of the desk, until finally, I begged him to stop.  It felt like my ass was on fire, literally! I was so sorry for what I’d done, I could barely speak, just sob.

I think he stopped after that -- the next thing I remember is him hugging me tightly like he used to.  And like I used to, I felt safe in his arms, like everything was going to be all right.

Once I had regained my composure and readjusted my clothes, Brian asked me to stick around for roller hockey, a free youth recreation program he’d started a few months ago with a government grant.  And of course I stayed... and I’m so glad I did. It felt like we reconnected, like we’re going to be able to be friends after all :) Even though I fell on my butt a few times and it really REALLY hurt.

As I was leaving and we were saying our goodbyes, Brian turned to me and said, “Hey Molly, there was one thing I wanted to know... Remember that quote on your dad’s picture?  The Irish quote? What does it mean?”

I smiled, remembering the picture.  “Níl aon suáilce gan a duáilce féin.  There are no unmixed blessings in life.”

Sometimes we think that everything is black and white, it’s either good or bad, it can’t be both.  But that’s not true... it’s actually quite the opposite. Everything that happens is both good and bad.

I sat down in my car a few minutes ago and felt the painful consequences again.  But I don’t regret it because I know that I wouldn’t be the person I am today without everything having gone the way it did.  It’s all bittersweet. Just like the quote says.